悲しいな世界の王子。

lack of updates.

2010-11-01T23:22:00.004+08:00

Usually the lack of updates is a sign of me having lesser things to think about. Well, thats in the past actually. Now I just kinda just stopped blogging about things I think about.

I'll still blog about it sometimes, but may very well decide to keep it to myself, depends on my mood.

School has really been hectic. Yes, even though I'm a major slacker who don't really do his tutorial, its still hella hectic.

Health has been really tilting sides to sides lately as well. Insomnia, random appetites, sleeping-in.

Sometimes, when you try not to think of something, or let something affect your performance or work, it just don't work out.

Been doing quite some retail therapy as well, and insane splurging. Thank god I'm able to cut off all my financial liabilities to others, and get some games while I'm stressed out and trying to distract myself.

Grades. Grades. Grades.

a dream long forgotten.

2010-10-28T19:05:00.002+08:00

It seems that somehow, by Fate, I chanced upon a friend's video that was spread through the net like a viral video. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but without a doubt, it was a friend from O.B.

Its been years, since I've seen them all. I wonder how did I stray from that path. Its been nearly 4 years and all of them have made incredible progress with their dreams, or at least, they are still embracing music.

All of them made incredible improvements with their vocals, the good ones became better, and the better ones became really great.

It really got me to thinking. What have I been doing these years? What made me stopped? Why have I always been giving myself excuses from trying hard?

Secondary 3, I was much more naive than ever. But at the very least, I had the strength, courage and motivation to chase after a dream.

Now? Nothing.

Seems that as I grow older and older, I lack more and more motivation. And now I've forsaken the dreams that we all used to share. Nothing more than just to sing for the soul; our soul.

Do I stay at the same place? Or do I go back to doing what I loved?

lack of blogging

2010-10-25T22:59:00.003+08:00

Been really, really tired these days. I might not be blogging as frequently as during the holidays now.

Depression struck again when I was unguarded for less than a few minutes.

But of course, depressing posts should really keep out of the public sight. So of course I have another blog for these (Y).

At any rate, its really tiring these days. Along with the suddenly mood-swing, it'll be hellish to go on.

Exhaustion.

flights of fancy, workload, corners

2010-10-24T13:37:00.002+08:00

Its been quite a few days since I blogged eh? Guess after the school has reopened, I've been so busy that my brain stopped processing as feverishly as usual. Insomnia is hardly a problem now that I tire out after school ends.

Still, random thoughts and exploration hardly stops even during breaks. Most of the time, I eat alone, voluntarily.

I don't know why, but somehow I've grown accustomed to eating alone. It just feels more 'right'. And of course, when you're alone, you get to think of all the random things.

Which of course, led to certain imagination and pondering of very... 'fantasy' based things. Such as where do people go when they pass away, whether if theres really "Hell"/"Hades" or "Heaven". Or if people pass away, they become a star in the sky.

I know, its very random. But probably distracting enough for me to ponder for an hour or more to explore the novelty of that idea.

School has really been a crazy wreck. New week and its something of an "orientation". Early releases and everything, but I'm already tired. Next week and afters might actually be crazy and packed with assignments.

But of course, being busy has been very effective with keeping certain thoughts at bay.

Apart from school work, I've got several games to finish, a new novel to read (actually, I'm already halfway through), and more people to talk to. I realized that it's really been a long time since I've contacted some people; its about time to catch up with them.

Giving up isn't easy. I know I've been on this for quite awhile. But I realized it really isn't easy. No matter how busy you are, how much you try to distract yourself, it still won't work. Bury it deep down and when you unconsciously thought of that, it just pops up and stick out like a sore thumb.

I think. This is about it. Will update soon again I guess.

Sometimes I just wish

At least, a platform for me to see whats going on.

For it is painful

Just to not see or talk to you

Not knowing anything going on with you

Is more than just a torture.

outside.

2010-10-21T19:15:00.003+08:00

Skipped two tutorials today, all because I overslept. Insomnia struck yesterday, along with two ruckus at different timing that always snap me out of half-asleep state, I can't fall asleep at all.

At least not till 4 am.

So I went to school for only one lecture, and headed to City Hall, alone.

Somehow, it just feels good go for a walk by myself. Sure, it feels lonesome and everything. But it just feels good.

Without having anyone to break your train of thoughts, walk at your own pace, and watch where your feet leads you.

And its also good for you to sort things out.

Me being a hermit seems to withdraw myself out from the family. I've not talked to them for a very long time. To be honest, I'm just acting out very subconsciously. I have no idea why am I acting like this too.

And, I know that I'm resisting a lot from talking to her. And that despite all these efforts to make those feelings die down. Its not really working anymore. Maybe within a year, with those effort, maybe it'll disappear, or just get buried.

But I guess I'm resisting that as well. Its no longer a case of "can or cannot", but rather "want or don't want".

I'm... really conflicted right now. I don't know what should I do.

*sighs*

最近の天気は大変だ

だから、君の体お大事にね？

A song for everyone, its a song that I keep looping and its really beautiful. (Y)

burial.

2010-10-20T23:51:00.003+08:00

Life is finally picking up it's pace. I'm no longer having the the silhouette of her image in my mind anymore. I'm really putting in conscious efforts to try and forget, and move on.

But of course, things like this isn't as easy as I say. Something like this isn't even possible or achievable in the first place. Maybe I'm just putting up a brave front, or simply just decided subconsciously to bury these deep inside.

Why do I say that? Simply because though I stopped thinking consciously and everything. Every time theres something that reminds me of that person, or the thought simply appeared out of nowhere, theres this pain inside.

Its.. really excruciating. Every time when I think of the days where we can have a good conversation without me worrying of anything, and the days we have a good conversation.

It even brings back then, the days where I truly felt like being myself and enjoyed myself.

It sounds like I'm weak sometimes, always looking back. I know damn well that life's nothing if we only looked back and reminisce, or be too damn focused about the future. Life's about living the moment, having an aim for future, and embracing the past.

But of course, bad dramas aren't all that is to life. I believe that, no matter how much bad drama happens, it doesn't matter.

There is so much in life to live for, so much to achieve, so many smiles to see. If I can reach out to them, I will.

Life isn't just about bad dramas. Even if given a choice where I'd be born with a golden spoon, have no problems, talented and whatsoever, I'd choose to have a balanced life, with bad dramas.

Bad things that happens to us makes us appreciate the good things that happens. Take it as counting your blessings. It is the bad things, that make the good ones stand out, the bad things that happens, makes us appreciate the good ones.

Its like, having school work and assignments all the time, but when holiday comes and we go on an overseas trip, we truly appreciate the value of worth it has.

Everyday I wish for her happiness and safety. Because prayers are the only thing I can do.

Stupid of me eh. Ah well. \o

lethargy and solitude.

2010-10-20T19:46:00.002+08:00

School has already reopened for a few days. All I can say is that the schedule itself is tiring me out. And that I really hate Mondays and Fridays.

Yeah, so I usually take afternoon naps these days. But its not really helping, seriously.

Went out with Luii yesterday. It was fun. For the longest time, I finally managed to do things that I like and enjoy myself like a normal person, without having anything on my mind; just purely enjoy.

Yeah, so its school again. I've took up a solitude approach to life again. Everything seems to fall back into places as before. Living and doing things alone.

Though the thoughts of her weighs me down a lot. This is something new as compared to the semester before.

Believe me. I know how impossible things are. I'm desperately trying to get out of it. Its not like I'm keeping any filthy hope for things to work out anyway.

It kills me in the inside being a situation like that anyway.

Alright. I'll get to watching some shows now. \o

alone.

2010-10-19T10:30:00.005+08:00

Late for school today. Tutorial starts at 9, and I woke up at 9. Epic. So right now, I'm sitting in the Business Library to burn away the last 30 minutes before the next class begins.

And I thought, what an opportunity to write about something that never stopped bugging me when I was trying to sleep.

Yeah, insomnia strikes again and I was unable to fall asleep. (I can't fall asleep if the topic isn't exhausted. And without writing it on somewhere, it makes it incredibly difficult to "exhaust the topic".)

Many people wake up to greet the day with either a smile on their face, frustrations on their brows or simply just 'sian" of whats to come.

I woke up to feeling alone. Not physically, duh. Majority of the people sleeps by themselves you know.

Its been days, or even a week or two since we've last had a good, proper and engaging conversation. Not that I'm a freak or whatsoever, but somehow, it just feels like forever.

My entire life, if I were to describe, no one had came close to that sphere I erected around myself. Well, until she came along.

Imagine this for a second, if I were to sit in the middle of a huge circle, that circle is the very barrier of the "me". And there'll be this ring that surrounds that circle. That ring, is furthest of most people that ever come close to. We call that circle, the 'friend zone'. (As of now, you can probably imagine something like Jupiter. A ring of dust around the sphere.)

Close friends or good friends. They manage to touch just outside the field outside of that circle. Thats where I shut them off. For many reasons that people won't know if I don't tell. And I'm not off shooting my mouth (or in this case, my fingers) about it.

She, is the only one that managed to step into that circle. She alone. No one else have managed to done so. Maybe not anymore in anytime soon.

But of course, that very circle has many layers to it.

As people might have guessed. There are a lot of things that I still don't write about. And to be honest, I don't really talk about unspeakable problems in a public domain such as this. In fact, I don't talk about it where it leaves 'evidence' or a trace.

What I usually blog about, are considered 'superficial matters'. Where I don't really care about who knows about it. If a stranger knows about it, I'm fine with that as well. Very simply because, I know that the moment I put something on the net, odds that people know about it is sky high.

Lethargy sinking in. Will update more next time.

You're the only person who knocked.

The only one who stepped in.

And yet, when I do the same.

You did not answer.

Perhaps I do not belong in that circle of yours.

Thats what you're trying to say, right?

この寂しいの世界に

僕は一人で

lethargy sinks in.

2010-10-18T21:15:00.002+08:00

First day of the Semester today. Lets just say apart from it was tiring, everything went pretty well today. (Except from the 4 hours break ugh)

Let me admit something, I didn't sleep enough. Probably like, 4 or 5 hours of sleep. But as soon as I reached home, bonk. I ate early dinner, showered and went to take a nap at like 6, and woke up at 9.

Containing the thoughts about her is pretty much successful, apart from occasional things that I do that reminds me of the time the group spends time together and of course, her.

That, and waking up from sleep and naps, shes always the first to appear in my mind.

Ugh.

Many things awaiting for me to settle this week. Probably been so busy and exhausted that I'm not able to 'think'. Then again, might most likely blog it out if I do. So. \o/

walls, a tug of heartstring, distractions,

2010-10-17T16:44:00.002+08:00

Recently, I've came to a major realization that I really... write a lot these days. No, I already know that I blogged a lot these days. But checking the statistics of my blog posts and the number of words I typed out per update is really insane.

More than 25 blog posts in a span of 3 weeks. Yeah. Thats kinda crazy isn't it?

Sometimes is just difficult to push some matter to the corner of your mind. I've been desperately trying to distract myself. Chatting, reading, watching animes, everything.

Just being able to contain your silhouette is tough. Its like theres always this heart-string of mine being strung or pulled at every moment.

Distractions. I've tried my best to distract myself these days. Looking at youtube videos, trying to get myself to "gien" a PS3 Naruto fighting game. Then I realized, I'm not financially stable yet ever since the Bintan trip. I still have -alot- of financial liabilities. Ugh.

There'll be many things awaiting for me to do. I hope things will work out fine.

There was something bugging me lately, but when I'm finally about to blog it out, it disappears from my mind. Crap. My STM strikes again.

conflicts and reflections inside.

2010-10-17T12:47:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm like a conflicted soul. There are many situations that happened where I'm caught in a dilemma. Two choices, where choosing either makes me feel screwed up in such a way that I don't know if its the right choice, or it just didn't make me feel good about it.

This topic about me being conflicted has been floating around in my mind for a few days already.

Guess its something that didn't have much development on. Probably because I still feel pretty damn conflicted by thoughts and decisions.

Part of me wants this whole feeling to die, posthaste. Its really causing me a lot of misery. Yes, I'm controlling a majority of the wild thoughts and negativity now, I'm actually in control.

But that doesn't kill the misery or melancholy I feel these days.

Part of me wants this to continue on. I don't know why. Even though I know that I'm a person and in a position that my feelings will be completely unrequited. But somehow, it still won't change the way I look at her, nor it won't change the way I feel.

Is this some sort of self-owning mechanism or what? Its like I know damn well that this will be a fruitless thought or situation. But its like this heart of mine still won't give up on something thats completely hopeless.

This whole span of nearly 3 weeks. I've been behaving childishly. Everything I do don't fit into logic. I became weaker emotionally and mentally; I no longer seem to be able to contain myself and my problems.

I became weak in terms of body constitution and appetite. I lost weight, I have bad appetite. I almost hyperventilate when I'm exhausted, stressed and somewhere near her. (Thank god, its very rare that I have camps and I see her at the same time).

But of course. I'm putting the blame on no one but myself. Just in case that the thought of pushing responsibilities comes into mind when there are actually people reading this. I'm completely to blame for being so weak that I can't control many things about myself.

Conflicts. Decisions. Thoughts.

Many things really tore me inside, and apart, when I'm thinking about these things.

Of course, I'm really putting in conscious effort to help myself here.

Ugh. Sometimes, things aren't just easy as we say it.

Sometimes I just curse myself for hoping for something deep inside. Such weakness.
It really hurts to just think about it.

Because these just won't go away.

fit of anger and the cool down.

2010-10-16T15:09:00.002+08:00

So my previous post was something written in a fit of anger and pretty much what I call "reckless lashing". But I'm not planning to pull it down or anything at all. It sounds pretty angry and everything, but I don't think it's false. Its truly what I thought.

But now when I take a look at it, I'm glad I wrote something down like that. Because when I read it again myself, I realized one thing. "Why am I like that? Who am I trying to impress anyway? Why am I so irritated?"

I seem to act childishly and everything.

I don't see why when my world revolves around someone, it becomes like that. I need to stop.

Stopped.

Well. Saying of something is different from doing. But it is something that I've been really trying very hard to do. I've made some progress.

I hope it won't be long till I'm 'me' again. Of course, it doesn't mean that I no longer like that particular someone. It just means that I am in control, and not raw emotions that's the boss.

Because I know very well that I'm not the one.

untimely

2010-10-16T13:48:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, its like I always say something that makes people interject in a way that as if I'm procrastinating, or simply don't want to do it.

Its pretty funny that every time I just end up saying things that people don't like or don't accept.

If I'm not included into the conversation, fine. I'll do my own stuff. Then people act like because I have nothing better to do now, I better do something NOW.

And somehow it seems like -I'm- the major procrastinator here, when I always try to finish things on time in the group.

Wow.

Sometimes I really just feels like I don't fit in. Really.

I'm just not as talented, not as funny, not as interesting, not as sociable, not as knowledgeable.

I know.

But I don't care anymore. I keep telling myself, I play the piano for my own soul.

good night's rest and some thoughts.

2010-10-16T10:40:00.004+08:00

Pretty much after I'm done blogging yesterday, I headed straight for bed. It's been really, really long since I last lay on the bed and fell asleep immediately. (Well, apart from camps. It's not exactly 'bed' material you know.)

Woke up 9 hours later, nearly 10 hours since I knocked out. Well, apart from being really groggy and still feeling kinda tired, I feel good. (Y)

Guess exhaustion, anxiety and stress comes together causes irregular breathing/breathing difficulties. I need to make a mental note about that.

Thoughts. I feel more capable of penning down thoughts now compared to yesterday. Pretty much why I deliberately left the topic half-baked on the previous post. Guess now that I'm more well- rested, I should pick up what I left off.

"Love" is really a funny thing isn't it? Well, I can't really say it's "Love" for me since it's one-sided. Mine is more like "feelings".

Well, whatever the term, its really a funny thing.

It makes you anxious and concerned over that special someone. At the same time, it makes you a paranoid. You tend to think too much, even if you make very conscious effort to stop it.

Well, even when you do manage to stop it to a certain extent, you feel a need to talk about it. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I find it a need to have a platform to talk about it. Be it blog, or really close friends, its important.

It might be because I'm inexperienced when it comes to this kind of thing. But at least now, I'm faring way better the last week, where many bad things happened to me and I'm practically doing nothing but sitting down there staying depressed. (Y)

But coming to a realization about your own feelings is a whole different thing. When you stop denying the existence of it in you, and accept that fact, you realized the way you see that special someone changes.

When you talk to her, you tend to listen seriously. (Could be a good or bad thing) But you tend to pick up things that doesn't matter at all; over-sensitivity and paranoia symptoms.

Positive thing she says, makes your day. Negative thing she says, you get all depressed. This is a part that was pretty difficult for me to handle. But I guess at the very least for now, I'm able to control this. (Y)

Everything she does tends to mesmerizes you. Well, at least that happens for me. Maybe the way she sings, the way she plays an instrument, the way she seriously do things. Well, you tend to see her in a more positive light than others. (I know, it kinda sounds stalker'ish.)

You tend to want to see her or talk to her frequently. But when you finally see her or talk to her, half of your brain juices disappears. And more than half of it cannot be talked about; because those are your problems or your feelings. This part is the one that I really dislike.

Well, there are many more things. But I kinda forgot about them. Maybe I'll write about it in future.

I know my situation well, and that many things are impossible. Even though deep inside me, I wish it was something that at least I can work with. But all I can do now is just keep mum about it. There is no other options.

Unfortunately, in my case, its very much one-sided. It is something that shouldn't be talked about I guess.

Oh, I weighed myself when I walked past the gym in school during camp. I lost weight :O

I lost all the weight I gained in Bintan and an additional 2 kg \o/.

Then again, it was cause I had bad appetite for the past weeks. Need to start eating regularly. Ugh

Well, thats all for now. I pretty much expended my brain juice on this one. Orz.

lethargy, truth, health and pretense.

2010-10-16T00:22:00.005+08:00

I've finally reached home after meeting up with the people. Camp was incredibly exhausting. Especially so since I'm desperately trying to distract myself from thinking.

Day 0 was a completely retarded day. I mean, when we really need the energy for the next day, a room of sauna temperature is seriously not good. I didn't get any sleep at all.

Day 1 was good, because air-conditioning was restored.

Through this camp, there isn't much for me to talk about also. Considering that I'm merely just a game master that nobody gives a shit about, and I don't really give a shit about it either. (I didn't want to go for the camp in the first place.)

But I appreciate the whole committee, facilitators and campers who made it happened. It was still one wreck of a fun and I'd certainly be one tired, but happy man if I wasn't bogged down by my own situation.

Health is definitely turning for the worse. Not only laboured breathing happened this time. I had a lapses where I have difficulty breathing and that I very.. nearly fainted when I was hanging out with the family earlier. (Not biological family, people whom I deem as, or see as one.)

Slight leg injury, and bad health. Honestly, had I stay any longer at the place, I might very well faint on them. Something that I do NOT want happening. Simply because, I don't want them to be worried about something as minor like this, and it'll very much ruin their fun.

And, its not like I've been living an unhealthy lifestyle. Apart from day 0, I slept at 12.30 am on day 2, and woke up at 7.20 the next day. Very damn well healthy. Plus, I ate rather regular meals and forced myself to eat even though I had bad appetite.

Even at home, I've been forcing myself to eat, sleep at proper timings and everything.

I'm just glad that I wasn't making any big actions or movements, and that I was insignificant enough that people don't notice anything odd about me. Thats really a relief. I thank god for my long hair, that practically covered my face when I was trying to regulate my breathing.

I'm tired of trying to distract myself, I'm tired of trying to remove her from range of sight, I'm tired of trying to kill those feelings. It simply didn't work. All that camp distraction happened and it didn't do a single thing to distract me at all; I was very enthusiastic and extremely 'on' during camp, so it wasn't me not trying to help myself.

My gut feeling is that she knows what I feel for her, but simply just acting oblivious so that it doesn't get awkward. Its a guess, but it might be very true.

Doesn't matter at all though. 2 weeks. Countless of experimenting. I tried my best to stop myself from chatting with her. I tried to distract myself. I tried many things. It simply did not work.

I guess when they say, when feelings like this really comes, how you try to hide from it won't help.

I know that she reads my blog. But I've been blogging so frequently these days, I may very well just end up spamming this post to the bottom. I don't think she reads THAT frequently.

Its pretty darn sad that whenever she makes a face, or a comment and that I'm suppose to give a response, all I could do was just to simply force a smile. For I fear that I may be too obvious with my response that she may find out.

Its hard to hide your care and concern for someone. Its something that just occurs to you subconsciously, but you just very consciously tries to hide it. Its really difficult.

Its also difficult to draw a line between boundaries. Thats especially so when I'm very much clouded by my feelings. Which is pretty much why I try to stay expressionless, unimpressed or just tried to be less responsive.

If one day, she ever chances upon this post. I guess I want her to know that I still see her as a very important friend that I don't want to lose her, no matter how strong my feeling for her is.

And that, I'll never confess this feeling to her. Because I know that this is simply an unrequited feeling on my part; its just simply impossible for the two of us.

Maybe this will go on for years. For the most minor of case that this happened lasted for a year. This one time, I guess I'm just really unlucky; for me to have such a strong feeling that all the previous ones put together still pale in comparison.

There are so many things that I really want to say. But my position just mutes me so.

food for thought for the feverish Sagittarius

2010-10-14T02:01:00.007+08:00

So right now I'm tapping on the keys on my iPhone. This is kinda crazy as it is incredibly difficult to blog with only two fingers even against the landscape keyboard. Then again, I guess I do have things on my mind to blog about (or just vent about, really).

Its 1.40 am in the morning now. I grow concern about my deteriorating health. Now that the Mum pointed it out to me, I grew conscious about it and really noticed it. Apparently other than my lack of appetite these days (4 days and all I ate was two slices of pizza and a bowl of fish noodle), I have laboured breathing now. Luckily my appetite these days wasn't as bad as the past week though. I actually finished a packet of food in camp today \o/.

Well, the lack of appetite's problem is solved now, so that part isn't that worrying anymore.

Insomnia has always been problem in the past. I'm glad that nowadays, as long as I blog about stuffs that's in my head swarming, I'd have a lot easier time falling asleep. So that's a huge problem minimized to a smaller one. Though it couldn't have been done with the help of a friend (Y)

Well. Right now basically I'm still awake for various reasons. Stuffy and warm room and I'm feeling slightly feverish to boot. But at least isn't something that's THAT worrying. Fluids and a good rest will solve the problem.

School administrative matters are also settled. The very fact that I can use the school Wi-Fi with my ID account means that my name is back on the list. Time table should be on the way and fees are thing of the past.

The Mum also seems to take my advice. She and my brother were talking about something yesterday; work related. But at least it's a good development. Family matters shouldn't be that worrying anymore. She actually asked me out along to go to her friend's open air lounge. It's okay. They asked me if I want to work as a bartender; an option I might consider. Oh, and interesting fact: my mum actually didn't object me to drinking alcohol (that and I told her that I exercise moderation and in control, as I very rarely drink alcohol). She actually refilled my mug with beer. Which is really an interesting and amusing sight to watch.

Actually, listening to music in a quiet room full of people and blogging away isn't a bad experience. I'm like looping songs like "My Hands", "Dearly Beloved", "Why", "Suna no Oshiro", "Still Doll", "Every Time You Kissed Me", "期待爱＂, "Shiori", "To Zanarkand" and more songs.I highly recommend the songs I mentioned to anyone who bothers reading his blog. Open your mind towards these songs and you'll come to appreciate them.

Mum heard of my thoughts on changing course. She had a very big reaction to it as it was very far from home. But of course, they have nothing to say if that were really my decision. I mean, even though I made my decision, I am still thinking about it seriously as it isn't a joking situation.

The elder brother also seem slightly against it. He said that what I study diploma isn't what I would necessarily pursue as a career anyway, and that I can always get a degree from SIM or simply just study in a good university overseas (Ivy League Universities). But because of my inadequate grades for Polytechnic, I'll need to take a bridging course. (Or so says the brother)

Studying overseas was always something I wanted to do in the past. If I were younger, I'd be really excited at the prospect. Unfortunately, this isn't the case now. I guess there are a lot of things that I cannot bear to let go now. Important people in my life, important friends in my life, important things to do in my life.And maybe, just maybe, I'm wanting to take a new course might be me unable to let go of certain things. It's another 2 years to NS anyway.

I congratulate myself for the perseverance in continue my record of WOT journal entries even on iPhone.

Alright, that's all from the feverish Sagittarius today.

And because iPhone doesn't allow me to change the fonts, size and colours. I apologise if you guys have to squint your eyes to read this.

marvels of life; the up and downs, the things that simply amaze us all.

2010-10-12T16:28:00.003+08:00

Since a friend talked about how many things in life can be amazing. It got me to dig up a very dusty topic in the far ends of my mind. I guess I never really got around to penning down my thoughts. (No, as usual. I don't contribute to the conversation. My thoughts, I feel they are unimportant and useless anyway.)

So hear my pleas, if you're not interested, please don't even bother to come around to my blog. It will always contain on how I feel or have opinions on certain thing. If you think that walking into something that seems to be "the inner surface" of someone, then don't bother.

Why I don't keep it private? Thats because I have nothing to hide.

---

Years ago, me and some friends were discussing on how amazed we are on reproduction. How a sperm and an egg can develop into us, how something so small has limitless potential.

Limitless potential? What do I mean by that?

Its like, we grow up to be a person, and how every single one of us are different in such a way that its nearly difficult to have someone in this world that acts, thinks, experiences the exact same thing as us.

Besides experiences, its difficult to have similar opinions towards everything, or towards a certain thing. And interestingly, the brilliants of minds, no matter how much their opinions differ, can seek solace in each other where the skies the limits in discussions.

Often, it is thought that only people who has a lot of things in common are only able to hit off well. And that people with differing opinions will always end up as enemies, or nothing more than friends.

I personally have seen people with differing opinions hit off well and became good friends. People with different backgrounds that mixed well with the other.

Mind, body, soul. Its amazing no matter how you look at it. How we can go to sleep and wake up the next day.

How we can think differently even if we were all placed in the same situation and come out with different results.

How our hearts just keeps beating until one day it dies out.

Even more amazingly, how the heart; a huge piece of meat/muscle can ache whenever we feel sad, and how it literally feels heavy when you're not in the mood.

Thats especially the case when I thought that its always the brains that makes us feel. And yet, it seems like the heart itself is sentient itself. The way it reacts for us, its as if its a physical materialization of the very figment of our soul.

Its also amazing how the will of a person can change a situation in such a way that it was deemed impossible. Like how a mother will do anything to protect her baby.

And yet, when the mind and the heart doesn't synchronize in the way that both are going in separate ways; between what the person really feels, and what the person wants, it hurts so much that it can really drive them crazy.

Marvels of the world. How the Pyramid was built or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, a building of marvel and beauty that was lost and only recorded in the history.

Many things. But for now, my mind is in such a mess that I can't organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll update this post later.

Sometimes even though I'm in the conversation. I have nothing to say. For every time I say something, seems to fuel your irritation. And that whatever he says, always are an object of interest.

distractions and appetite.

2010-10-12T15:35:00.003+08:00

Distractions. Distractions. Distractions. Distractions.

I need to distract myself from negativity. I need to distract myself from negativity.

*Sighs* I did my best, forcing myself to play some new DS games that I've got. But somehow it just didn't work out very well.

Looked for songs, looked for lyrics to tag onto the songs so that I can read them on iPhone if I'm bored.

Didn't took very long.

Its like, I don't have the mood to do everything.

Appetite. To be honest? I don't have any appetite at all. All I'm doing is forcing myself to take lunch. I can't believe I nearly felt like puking after finishing a bowl of porridge. Wow.

Camp tomorrow. Don't even feel up for it. Didn't look forward to it, don't feel excited about it. But I promised my attendance, so I gotta go.

Its like a huge difference. The way I'm spoken to, the way others are spoken to. I might be thinking all negative, I'm trying my best to stop it.

It just didn't work out too well.

Lethargy.

I curse my ignorance to your pain.

choices and courage.

2010-10-11T21:46:00.004+08:00

There are many things in life that involves choices. From simple thing like choosing what to have for breakfast, to life-changing decisions like the kind career you wish to pursue, the type of degree you want to major in.

You can choose to be indifferent to people, you can choose to warm up to people, you can choose to share your problems with people; the list is simply endless.

But of course, opening up to a particular person is a sign of trust itself. But, you don't necessarily have to share your problems to that person, even if you trust him or her. It all depends on the way people work. Some just aren't forthcoming with their own problems, while others don't feel bothered by sharing their troubles.

---

Life is full of ups and downs. I liken life to driving. Being lost in life's direction, being lost in what you want to do, lost because of dejections, lost because of goals that doesn't seem to matter, or achievable; these are all detours.

Its fine to be lost, to not know where to go. But ultimately, you still need to find yourself back onto the main road and keep on driving.

What about friends? What about advices and suggestions? Friends are like the friends you go on with on a road trip. Advices and suggestions from them are simply them pointing to the sign boards as to where to go, where to head on. But ultimately, you're still the driver, you choose where to go.

As long as someone consider you as a friend, it doesn't take knowledge of quantum physics or rocket science to understand that theres something wrong with you. Indifferences, your tone, your lack of interest; everything. Even on the net, that is still very easily detectable.

How do they know? Because they care. They might not be straightforward and go like, "Hey, are you alright?". But they know, and they care. People have to understand that sometimes, the people who bug you are the ones who really care. (Well, not all.)

Well, but of course, there are people who care for you as long as they treat you as friends. But it depends on the level, and that whether they've spoken to you lately or not. Because if it's been awhile since they've talked to you, it might be tougher for them to simply ask whats going on.

--------------

Recklessness. It is something thats often mistaken as courage. You may think its nearly the same, and hard to differentiate; its not.

Recklessness or rash, its the same. It is simply knowing about the odds of things, and yet you rush in without thinking of the consequences and what not.

Courage. It is something more than that. It is more of, you're afraid of something; you know what's going on and you have a really huge fear of confronting it, and yet, with iron-will, you stood your ground against and confronts that situation.

---

Which of the above do you think you possess? For me, I find myself more reckless and rash, rather than courageous. But who's to say? Hah.

Indifferences.

strength and resolve.

2010-10-11T13:07:00.002+08:00

After what seems like endless chat and discussion with Jac and Han about the main thing thats bothering me all these time. I realized there are certain things that are unnecessary worries that bothers me. Although the discussion took hella long and it got to the point where it reminds them of their own bad experiences, I have to thank them for sharing and trying to push me in the right direction.

Its like, this certain part of me that I have lost along the way when I was all broken, uncertain and lost. Then after that conversation, I came to realize that some things doesn't matter at all, and that I shouldn't even be bothered by them; mainly the opinions, thoughts and views of others.

I understand that some things, we have to do it "right" by social standards. But this matter alone, is one thing that I realize that I must follow my heart. I questioned myself over and over again, then I had a revelation that this is not something I will want to give up on. And that if I ever let this go, I will not be the same again.

Finding out what really matters to me really turned me into someone that I've not been for awhile. A second before I was all depressed, tired, lack confidence and having a migraine, and after that, all those negativity just disappears.

I was filled with confidence, determination and the migraine just disappears. I actually felt like nothing could bring me down (Yeah, I know, its called overconfidence).

I literally felt strength coursing through my entire being and yes, my eyes. Now I finally understand what the anime always portrays eyes with flames and everything. Its the strength of their resolve.

After all these. I think I've really got over the all self-pity and depressed state. No, it doesn't mean that I've given up on anything. But I decided that I will go for it, for if I ever let this pass by me, I'll regret it.

So, take a leap of faith with me and just let things go on naturally. Kay?

Few days ago, I posted a song called "期待爱" by JJ Lin. I was looking at it with a negative light. Today, I look at the lyrics in a positive light.

gradually

2010-10-11T01:26:00.002+08:00

Been thinking a lot lately. Been so, tired out and stressed out with so many various things that I'm not able to get on with my life. But of course, I don't think that just by blogging a lot or talking about it will make it go away. It's not something that I realized, but something that I've thought about for very long.

But knowing and being able to pull it off is two completely different thing.

Its also about time that I stop.. bothering people with my life. I shall stop everything and just keep it to myself. Its just too much trouble and will just bring trouble make everyone else tired.

I guess this is a short step to make.

Even though I think that you probably know it, but I guess this is it.

day out with friends.

2010-10-10T23:30:00.002+08:00

Staying over at a friend's place today. It's been like, forever since our clique has meet up. AND, two of the six, who by right can't stay over, are staying over. Its like a day of miracles.

So I got around to cooking fried rice for them today. Thank good its edible and not poisonous. :o

The saddest thing about this is, well, I do enjoy myself quite abit.. But, I can't really enjoy myself to the point where I am really enjoying myself. Shit, thats kinda contradicting. Guess being moody is like, really bad.

Good friends, good company, good food, ample supply of beverages + ice wine. I really frown upon my incapability to enjoy and cherish things before me and all I'm doing is putting up a mask of smile, or donning a poker face.

Yet, despite all these.. I think I still count what I'm going through as a blessing. For I may never know that at the end of this entire thing, what I may get out of it.

Haha, I wish I'm really that positive now.

Its incredibly irritating that I'm doing this and acting this way. But I guess its better that I don't talk to people about it. This is like, something I want to avoid.

Thats all for today I guess.

grit, ambiguous

2010-10-10T12:25:00.004+08:00

Grit, and forget it. Grit and let nothing else escape that. Even if everything fails. Grit.

Has it ever happened to you where you want to get to know this particular person, but you don't dare to get too personal for fear that it may not end well?

Happened for me.

For me, my world doesn't revolve around me. So I do know that I'm not the only one thats keeping in things. I'm aware that you, or anyone else suffers. Why? Because life isn't all happy, clouds, candies and fluffy. That, and I believe that everyone has their own story to tell.

But being a person who's unable to express himself. I find it difficult to ask. Its like, wanting to know, and yet you don't know how to put it in a way that it wouldn't be intrusive.

*Sighs*

I find it harder and harder to control certain things. Maybe avoidance would be a better option than caution.

That nightmare I had doesn't have the effect on me anymore. Sure, it left an impression on me, but it doesn't leave me all shaken anymore.

I cursed myself for doing that. Why do I show these signs of weaknesses? Damn it.

Despite all that looking forward to the gathering later on. Somehow, I doubt that my mind will be taken off from what I'm thinking. Didn't happen for the past week, doubt it'll work.

..*Sighs*

Ate a slice or two of pizza earlier. In fact, its the most I've ever ate since Friday. I just very tiredly told my mum that I didn't have the appetite, washed my hands and went back to my room. She said that she noticed ever since I got back from my overseas trip that I've bad to no appetite. I said "I don't know why."

In fact, maybe I don't, maybe I do. Who cares? The matter still stands, I don't have the appetite.

Though now that I think about it, these few days, I've been really eating little to none. For 3 days, altogether I had were, 2 slices of pizzas, yu pian mee fen and nothing else. Hah.

Odd, huh.

Really tired. Really, really tired.

a nightmare that woke me up and left my limbs cold.

2010-10-10T09:57:00.004+08:00

Just woke up from a really terrible nightmare that woke me up so badly that I didn't want to go back to sleep. It was horribly... detailed. Its gotten to the point that my feet and my hands went cold, and when I woke up, I was hugging my bolster so tightly and very shrunk to the point where my knees are very close to my chest.

No, I didn't cry or anything. But it was a blood-chilling dream that send chills to my spine. I remember it to be an annoying, but innocent dream where theres this lady who was insistent to be engaged with me (shut up, I know its weird, I frown upon it too). Shes pretty, rich and everything. But she wasn't the one I want. So after very long, I agreed to it. For what reasons, I do not know.

In the mean while, I had small flashbacks of a meetings and meetings regarding a serial murderer on the loose. The meeting details on his M.O, or Modus Operandi, and that the odds of him being insane is really high.

So for some reason, when the flashbacks ended, I find myself back at home. A home which I never recognized, it just bore the resemblance of my old flat, and the current flat, mixed together.

And the oddest thing was, I don't remember how, but I found out that my 'fiancee' (the one that I didn't love, but for some reasons agreed to be engaged to her) was being chased by the serial murderer. So I received her call and told her what to do.

I ran downstairs, and after awhile saw her. Told her to follow me immediately, and I caught sight of the murderer in question.

...I shall leave out some parts here, its just too... graphical.

There is no ending, the final part was I ran to my mum's room, locked and barricaded the door and called my half-asleep mum to call the police, while I rack my mind for the case-file code to tell them its of highly-urgency and its the very murderer that they are looking for.

----

I won't exactly describe the way the murderer works, but hes insane where he keeps muttering about mystical wards, and one thing in particular I CANNOT forget, is he mentioned of the Egyptian Bennu. In addition, his so psychotic that he captured the 'fiancee', tied her on bed, slept beside her, put me right beside him, made her grab my arm and began to use a miniature chainsaw and slowly cut through her arm.

Blood-chilling screams, the sound of chainsaw cutting through flesh and bone. That was the most horrifying part that made it a nightmare. I saw everything in detail, and it felt like I almost can feel it and touch it.

---

I'm not alright now. It was mental. But at least I'm not crying over it. I'm just, don't know. Feeling traumatic over it.

signs of weaknesses or signs of boredom?

2010-10-09T21:15:00.006+08:00

Man, I swear I've been blogging so much these days, it is very likely that I've typed out more than 5,000 words! Of course, this isn't the only blog that I'm updating.

You know, sometimes I really wonder what in the world is really wrong with me. For two days, apart from a really late night supper I had (Yu Pian Mee Fen), I didn't eat a single meal today. I don't even feel like eating the tidbits that I bought some time ago. Wow.

I really wonder (something that happens very often these days), is there a very direct co-relation of me feeling down to me blogging way too often. Most of the times, I prefer to ignore the buzzes in my head and get on with what I'm doing; which works pretty well.

Well, these days, thats not the case. I can ignore, but it'll just keep coming back to haunt me until I've decided to pen it down somewhere, in some form or another.

I doubt its the latter though; signs of boredom. Well, when I'm bored, I'll just annoy the hell out of people, or just disturb people about it, sometimes infecting them with my boredom. (That, and boredom means I'm bored to tears and theres nothing in my head but blank.)

And signs of weaknesses, which I display a lot these days, are jumping out like theres free flow of it. Usually I'm a person who doesn't look back to the past, which I do now (unfortunately).

Which brought me down to memory lane as I re-enacted the 1st night of Bintan trip in my mind, where all of us sat down at the bar, watching the night skies.

I lament the fact that theres no way we can do it here. Staring into the night skies with all the stars are simply magical. If I have my way, I'd set a good clean mat onto some parts of a huge span of grassland, lay down on it, set my MP3 to play instrumentals of my favourite songs (E.g Dearly Beloved), and simply just stare at the space.

Imagine, a lush span of greenery all around you (but of course, with enough insect repellent), soothing instrumentals at the background, cloudless night sky, uncountable number of stars panning across the night sky; with a few shooting stars as well, cooling breeze of wind blowing across your face gently.

Perfect.

Well, I'm not the best weaver of imaginations (or probably I'm just not good with expressing it properly). But you get my point.

Talking about the stars, I remember vividly when I was much, much younger; probably about 6 or 7, when I still used to visit my relatives from my mum's side. I remember always taking a night stroll and lying down at the bench-like structures around the void decks and look at the moon. Of course, the sights of the night skies are nothing compared to the majestic sight in cities or places with much dimmer night lights, but it still manages to hook me with it.

Maybe its got to do with me being a Sagittarius, who are centaurs, and centaurs always have to do with the imagery of watching the stars as guardians and tellers of the future. (Or maybe I just imagined or thought that up.)

Well, maybe if I have more things to write about, I'll just come back here. It never seem to end these days.

Sharing with people who actually visit this hell-hole of mine, "Dearly Beloved".

the different moods, the very defination of myself,

2010-10-09T13:34:00.005+08:00

There are so many different emotions and feelings that defines a mood. Its basically like a lock. Each combination of emotions and feelings unlocks a certain mood. And these mood leads to a certain thought, a certain craving or a certain action. And that a change of mood would take some time for these thoughts, cravings or action to appear in the train of thoughts, which explains the sudden epiphanies, actions or cravings people display.

People often call these actions, thoughts or epiphanies as something they're doing "out of the whim".

But of course, though many people have different kinds of reaction when they are experiencing certain mood (these are the things who defines them who they are), there are quite a few traits that are noticeable when someone's feeling something.

Take this for an example, if someone's feeling excited, happy, and they're looking forward to something, there will be a certain spring in their steps. It looks almost that they are jumping out of their shoes or bouncing, even in the most discreet people, theres this slight spring in their steps.

Well, of course, I'm pretty sure there exists people who don't do that. And this is merely a figment of what I feel, or something that I noticed in myself and a few people.

Why the sudden thoughts or expression regarding this? I have no idea, maybe its because I've been really moody recently and came to a realization that between the transition of moods, I have the feeling of not wanting to do anything at all, which is a colossal waste of time.

But what can I do? Nothing suits my mood.

Even as of now, even though I'm much more emotionally sound than the past few days, the tinge of sadness never fails to creep around. I realized that the only thing I can do is pretend that theres nothing wrong with me. For the moment I display it openly, there'll be voices of concern and worries.

Which is pretty contradictory. Because I love the attention, care and concern shown, but I don't want it at the same time. I guess it depends on who's giving it, and whether it was merely a superficial gesture.

------------------------

They say, each person is unique in their own way. I agree. Which is why people will come to realize that every time they have fallen for someone, they can be very different in terms of personality. (Which is to say, if the previous crush has the same personality as the current one, there is a chance that they haven't forgot about the previous one)

But of course, there must've been a certain standards of personality that attracts the person in question. So if person A likes to be doted on, likes humor and knowledgeable people. If a certain someone displays all of these qualities, and more of course, it is likely that it'll at the very least attract person A. It may not be in the romantic sense, but at the very least, they can hit off very well.

---

Abrupt ending to what I think isn't it. Thats because theres so many things that zips through my mind that I can't fully concentrate on this certain topic. A mental note to self, think about this some other time.

---

Sometimes, I really don't understand myself. Well, a lot of people don't understand themselves either. But many of them didn't even bother to question or find themselves. Me, on the other hand, kept trying to find what defines me as me.

When I was younger, probably the moment I entered teenage years, I find myself weaving layers and layers of personality. I think it is likely that its something of self-defense mechanism after the series of things that I've gone through.

But after all these years, its like, I find myself reacting very differently to different people and different matters. Its gotten to the point where I feel confused; I don't even know which is really me. But of course, I'm different where by every of my reaction is genuine. Its not the kind where people are just giving superficial reaction.

A more appropriate analogy would be, take it as I have multiple personality disorder, but I do not suffer from memory loss, and that its still very much me.

But the usual triggering of this isn't dictated by who I meet, but the situation or circumstances I'm going through. Its not like your typical scenario of 'I see person Z, who I despise and seriously hate, and thus I become cynical, mean, snide and furious'. But rather, because of this certain situation, I tend to assume this feeling.

So, for an example, when I have very close friends who are going through very painful times, or just simply very sad and need advices, or just listening ears. I tend to become a very confident person, somewhat authoritative, keen, and somewhat considerate.

Sometimes when I'm deep in thought or simply upset, I'll be more withdrawn, keep a distance away from people, silent and always has this emotionless look.

And when I like someone, or simply been through multitudes and variations of setbacks, I tend to lose all my confidence, felt like I'm some sort of trash that possesses no talents, simply unattractive and dumb.

When I'm very annoyed, but still able to manage my emotions, I tend to by sarcastic, cynical and arrogant.

When I'm thoughtful, I'm often philosophical and would very suddenly speak in proper English.

There are many more examples of these certain sets of personalities and traits that I assume in different situations. And of course, these are just examples and may not very much be what I exhibit these certain personalities. (Contradictory much?)

---

Which led me to this question. Which is really me? The insecure, lack of confident and weak-willed person, or the confident (sometimes overconfident actually) persona, or even the cynical and irritating persona?

*Sighs* And these are the times where I question myself. Sometimes, its really tiring, because I don't know whats wrong with me.

Guess all these thoughts really gets to me.

And yeah, I admit it. Even at this point, now, I'm still very much moody. I don't understand why (or maybe I do), but it really has to stop. Because its really making me feel hollow all inside.

(And yes, OMG. This whole blog post is 1,061 words. Excluding this)

thoughts.

2010-10-09T02:31:00.002+08:00

After several days, including a day of emotional break down, I've finally managed to calm down and sort my thoughts out. But of course, I don't mean that I've recovered from all these and pimping to go.

I merely managed to settle down what seems to be a storm of emotions and organized the problems and planned rational solutions for them. That alone managed to bring down the level of stress itself.

---

Sometimes, I don't know what I'm really thinking. Its as if I'm a walking contradiction myself. Its like, I want this, but yet I know that I can't have it; so I don't want it. But when I don't want it, I keep thinking about the thing that I don't want.

And many things that are suffocating me that its almost difficult to breath.

The next thing I have trouble with, is expressing how I truly feel, and expressing myself when I'm talking or dealing with something how I feel personally. Sometimes, when I care for someone, yet I just do not know how to show that I cared, and I just simply sat down there and worried for that person.

--

As I'm surrounded by the people I care for, I grow more and more conscious of my actions that may affect them negatively. I start to smile more, and pretending that everything is going on fine. Yet, I can only grit my teeth and frown at every single chance when no eyes upon me.

--
My mind's so disoriented now, random thoughts just simply flew through here and there as I desperately try to make sense of what I'm thinking.
--

I find it more and more difficult for me to stay true to my heart. Because at some point, at some time, my heart and brains are just simply pointing to two different directions. Its like between logic, and feelings, and I have to choose one of them. If I choose feelings, my conscience would nag me, and if I choose logic, my heart would hurt and ache. There just isn't a choice that makes both side happy.

--

Sometimes I really ponder if people know what I'm thinking.Sometimes it just feels that way, other time it just didn't felt like that. But because of this, I have to be cautious with whatever that I'll do.

--

I think thats enough for today. Today's been a very intensive blogging day it seems like. More than 2-3 posts a day certainly isn't good.

swings.

2010-10-08T15:46:00.007+08:00

Today was simply tiring. Its barely 4 pm in the noon now and I'm feeling the lethargy, as if I'm going through a series of ordeal that constantly plague my mind, and the matter just loops, never ending.

Administrative stuffs had to be done and I'm not even half-way through. Procedures yet to be gone through, finances liabilities yet to be settled, plans yet to be confirmed.

I walked, I stood, I sat and I laid, all in deep thought, with a single song on my iPhone looping on and on as it was the only one that actually suited my mood.

Few things went through, here and there. Thoughts buzz past. I can only come to a decision.

Theres no point in wallowing in anymore self-pity. Whats done is done. This is something that I myself have to go through, and see through it myself. Fine, so the Pandora's box has been unleashed. I'll close it back, and never ever let anyone glance upon it's contents ever, again.

After many, many thoughts about the things thats going on. I've made my choices, decided my plans.

Because this is a battle, that I've been fighting, and will only be ever fighting it by myself, alone.

I will never open my heart again.

Oh, did I mention how much I love this particular song?

My life 一直在等待
空荡的口袋
想在里面放一份爱
Why 总是被打败
真的好无奈
其实我实实在在
不管帅不帅

想要找回来
自己的节拍
所以这一次
我要勇敢大声说出来
期待期待你发现我的爱
无所不在我自然而然的关怀
你的存在心灵感应的方向
我一眼就看出来
是因为爱

我猜你早已发现我的爱
绕几个弯越靠近越明白
不要走开
幸福的开始就是放手去爱

and elusive peace once again evaded out of my grasp.

2010-10-08T03:05:00.002+08:00

Peace. Was what I thought, throughout the entire month, after my trip from Bintan, after many hectic schedules, many affairs and thoughts of the mind and the heart, that I can at the very least get my much needed sleep everyday and by heartened by the fact that I can finally sleep in proper timing and beaten the huge war against insomnia.

I was wrong.

Fate, of all times, dealt me a card that I wasn't expecting. Fine. I took it and although I'm still struggling to deal with it, Fate decided that it should hit the iron while it's still hot, and had to fuck my sleeping schedule up. What card did it deal again this time? The Mum.

Tonight was really one wreck that I had hoped to avoid at all times. I smiled myself to sleep with my wishful thinkings and managed to sleep almost immediately. 2.30 am, I was roused by a one din created by such brainless group of hooligans yelling here and there without a single consideration for the people who needs their sleep to work their brains. Their idiocy never failed to amaze me as I cussed a string of coarse language before slamming my windows close.

I grunted, and switched on the air-conditioner and went back to sleep. Another 30 minutes passed and guess what? Its like internal war that slammed right in my house and I slept through the first 15 minutes of it. Mum had to pull my brother out of the bed and start yelling at him.

All that stupid yelling and shit, fine. She got her point acrossed. But she had to repeat like millions of times. Its like a broken record that kept repeating itself.

I, who wasn't even involved, listened through her crap outside at the dark living room and guess what. I was annoyed and pissed. I mean, not just at the fact that this bloody din continued on and on and woke the hell out of me.

I was pissed with the way shes just venting all her shit at my brother, who had to support the whole household. So what if he forgot a thing or two? Did you have to force him to the point of mental breakdown when hes barely standing?

Of course I've to speak up. I said in a loud and clear voice about what shes repeating and repeating, and clearly that it was more than enough, and it should stop.

Wow, she had to go all crybaby on me and walk to her room, and said a string of mean stuffs.

So what, now I'm the bad guy?

---

Seriously, all her life, despite reminding us about EQ, shes the one who's lacking all of that? Who the hell, rouse their sons in the middle of the night, yell the bitch out of them, when one of them are working in a way where he doesn't even get more than 5 hours of sleep?

I seriously fear for the sanity, mental health and physical health of my brother.

This is one fucked up family.

I can't believe my family is at a point where -I- have to make a point and hold it up when they are down. Seriously. Whats with this? Wasn't I supposed to be, and always be, the kid around? Why do I have to be the authoritative figure that has to come out and stop this kind of verbal abuses? (Note that if I ever had to stand up and do this, this is really bad.)

I'm one tired wreck of a person now. Not only I have to deal with my own problems, I've to deal with administrative matters with the school in a few hours and next week. And I have financial liabilities to boot, and a couple more of other problems that god knows when I'll be done with all these.

It really made life all the more torturous for me. Isn't that one struggle enough to kill me? Why do more problems have to add on to the nonsensical pile I already have to deal with?

I can't believe I'm whining again. Seems to be doing that a lot these days. But lets just say one thing, after that few peaceful days of sleeping at decent timing, the insomnia is back.

Gee, thanks Mum. Thanks for not choosing the peaceful way out, and drive the whole family to a situation where we can't rest properly. Thanks. Because communication is definitely primitive and we have to yell at each other to our points across, thanks.

I'm really broken now. Thanks.

healthy lifestyle much

2010-10-06T10:55:00.004+08:00

been eating bland stuffs like duck porridge, fish slices noodles and home-cooked food that i whipped up these days. I've gotta say my diet's -slowly- turning better.

Besides that, waking up earlier has became a norm. Not bad.

Still, the temptation to fall back onto the bed and sleep is still very strong.

Okay. Brain-dead for now. I'll update later.

---

Sometimes, I get really sick and tired with the whole thing. Sometimes its like, I don't fit in. As if I'm something that shouldn't even be existing in that particular circle.

I'm really tired of this.

I don't know how to carry on anymore.

blown away.

2010-10-05T15:29:00.002+08:00

The resolve to avoid, stay away, not doing anything and not to hope were simply shattered within the second upon seeing.

I cursed at my inability to be oblivious to things such as this.

I see the imperfections as perfections upon gazing a flawless frozen statue, and watch my imperfections blown into proportions like countless stars in the skies.

Theres nothing more than I want than a simple letter of "U". Yet, the "U" is as forbidden as the fruit of knowledge.

My silence are nothing more than the inability to say anything as a war of supremacy between raw thoughts and logic raged within myself.

The shadow of pained expressions were the painful decisions I made.

The smile I show, are merely a tapestry over the sorrows, as if dirty dealings swept under a rug.

A thousand words, a single song.

Exhaustion crept. Thats it for now.

not so mature afterall.

2010-10-04T23:48:00.002+08:00

millions of reasons acted as forces while the chains of rationality acted along with the forces to keep that single, wild thought in check.

it hurts

the flowers, the stars, the sun, the moon, and the silhouette never fail to appear.

it hurts

inches away, yet worlds apart.

it hurts

and a ghost of the pained expressions were hidden by the weaves of lies that formed the very mask.

it just, hurts so much.

serious case of self-inferiority complex.

2010-10-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

ugly, fat, useless, stupid, not funny, retarded, 0 talents.

thats what I saw when I take a look at the mirror. Its as if a serious case of self-inferiority complex hit me.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to do and I totally don't feel like doing.

...

"Obviously" - Mcfly.

Will write only up till here for today.

please.

2010-10-02T12:24:00.000+08:00

let it be controlled. don't let that happen, ever.

don't let it grow any bigger, just fade away as it is.

the sweet dream

2010-09-27T21:15:00.002+08:00

The dream I had this morning. Somehow, it just felt like... It really happened. And that a span of.. I don't know, months, or years passed in the dream (Inception much?).

I didn't make this up, this dream's content are fuzzy, but definitely what happened.

Throughout the dream, I probably cried. I'm not sure if it happened to my actual body, or its just me in the dream. But I definitely felt the tears. (And no, it wasn't some air-con water or rain, or somebody's drool. My door was locked, my bed's far from the air-con)

And well, hmm... I don't remember the extreme-fine details, but basically. It seems that I had a.. Girlfriend, lover, whatever. And that we were together for a period of time, and... suddenly she, I don't know, moved overseas or something.

It seems that I tried to look for her, but it was like finding a needle in a haystack. I didn't manage to find her.

After, god knows how long, and being miserable for that whole span of time. One day, she came back to where I was living. And all I knew what happened after that, was hugging her so tightly and felt like everything's right again.

Odd dream huh. I know the ending was something good, cause I remember waking up after that (or awhile more after that) and felt the warm and fuzzy feeling. But right now, I feel sad. As if my heart's crying (chest feels heavy symptom).

Odd. But seems like its a good dream.

migraine, a prelude to a sweet dream.

2010-09-27T16:54:00.002+08:00

So, I went to a shoot yesterday to be an extra. Did practically nothing because of a migraine killing me.

And honestly speaking? The way this is going, nothing's gonna work out like we wanted. Its going to end in a way that it's so horrible that it'll most probably leave a bad after taste.

Whatever.

So as I was saying, I had a bad migraine. So I went to sleep -pretty- early. And this morning, I had the sweetest dream I ever had in my life. Which is pretty odd, considering that the dream-scape I had, has nothing to ever to do with anyone I know, nor anything I'm thinking about - which is pretty awesome.

Though I admit, it was probably damn sad in the beginning, cause I think I felt my tears flowing (in sleep, yes. lol oh lord).

But the ending to it? Sweet stuff. Really sweet. (Y)

Alright. Time to end this update.

sick and tired.

2010-09-14T23:14:00.001+08:00

sick and tired.

I'm really sick and tired of everything.

nothing.

2010-09-06T17:04:00.002+08:00

Moody, unmotivated, distracted, lethargic.

Thats what that seems to be haunting me these days. I can't feel anything positive as well.

Stay-over and drinking wasn't a good day for me either. Well, it was good for everyone else, so I guess its good.

Nothing matters, nothing gets through.

What a depressing post. I guess theres really nothing for me to put into words anyway.

And finally, as usual, Ryan Cabrera's On the Way Down's lyrics really suits my mood now.

flashbacks.

2010-09-03T19:38:00.002+08:00

several months flashed passed. many things has happened. its been a tornado of experience since the year has begun. camps, studies, bonds, meet-ups..

bonds.. how long can they last? what kind of bonds have I forged so far? What have I gained after all these?

It seems that.. as usual, I'm forgotten. Might be presumptuous of me to say, but it seems that everything has just left me behind. Did I start it? Or am I simply forgotten?

Are bonds simply that weak? Or what I've been experiencing are all artificial? I don't know, nor do I understand. Am I the one pushing them away?

..Many things on my mind. It seems that my eyes betray me sometimes. Somehow.. I just feel lethargic from everything in life.

..Life.. Huh.

overshadowed.

2010-09-01T16:00:00.002+08:00

Somehow, no matter where I go, I feel small. I feel I'm just an existence that's not supposed to be there at all. It feels like, I'm only there to fill up that small gap or silhouette of something almost insignificant, and that even with me vanishing, nobody will take note of, or care about.

A shadow huh..

Somehow, it feels like my blog's slowly becoming a place for my inner monologue to surface. As if I haven't had this before. I have inner monologuing all the time. Blah (Which is kinda why sometimes my posts looks contradicting)

Have I achieved what I wanted? Everyone don't seem to know what kind of person I am. Isn't this what I've always wanted?

Am I having an identity crisis? Am I questioning my very identity? What do I want? What am I aiming for?

Why am I so powerless? Why? Why? Why?

I seek the answers of many questions, questions that I seem to be unable to attain an answer from.

Sometimes, I just feel that I'm in a place where I shouldn't be.

empty shell.

2010-08-30T01:31:00.002+08:00

It is said that in the past, the stars are so bright and high up into the sky that ancient people thought as them to be the most valuable jewels and sights to be casted upon.

So why is it that in this current era, the jewels of the skies do not seem to be infinite, and casting bright glow all over the night skies?

Is it simply because the lights of the urban areas and cities made it so bright that we no longer can see them?

Or is it that they are no longer appreciated, and simply forgotten and thus erasing their very existence, or dimming their glow?

No, I definitely don't mean or trying to argue about scientific facts and everything. How about we forget all about the "facts" that binds us down to imagine things that sciences cannot explain? Call me imaginative if you want, I don't really care.

Whats life after death? How do people live, how does everything comes around?

I'd like to think that the stars are the "people" in spiritual forms. And that the need for these "people" just vanished.

Think about it for a second, back to the chaotic era (sengoku period and the likes), always lived fabled heroes and mystical creatures.

You can say people imagined them out, but certainly, theres some truth to it. You can't simply -just- imagine things out you know. There has to be something that backs it up or leads to it.

Well, back to what I say.

Maybe the heroes of the pasts, are stars that descended down to this world, because of the wishes of the people that wanted their existence. And as the time passes, the chaotic world became the modern and controlled world, the need for the heroic spirits cease to exist, and they no longer possess the glow they use to have.

Meh, sounds fairy tale, but I'd like to talk about this since the thought of it flicked through my head earlier.

Sometimes I feel empty.

Like, how useless I feel I am, compared to capable figures that I know.

How ugly, dumb, fat, stupid, and everything negative, compared to a lot of people.

Maybe its the self-inferiority complex that has hit me, but I felt that I'm not good for anyone.

Blah, headache now. Wanted to write more about this, but meh.

escapes, weak-willed and the unfinished.

2010-07-19T02:44:00.002+08:00

Its 2.46 am and here I am, deciding to pen down whatever random thoughts I have on my mind (once again..)

After slightly more than a year of enrolling in Business Administration, things are finally becoming clearer to me, one way or the other. Mainly, my lack of passion in the things I do, the things I'm uninterested in. It would appear that though I claim to like "Business Administration", theres just too many things within the field of study that I didn't like; accountancy and quantitative analysis.

With so many things that I can't be bothered in paying attention to, I am beginning to doubt my choice of diploma that I've laid 2 years ago. Should I have chosen Law and Management? Under the circumstances, would I have fared better in that field of studies, in that environment?

Even as the conflicts that unfold before my mind's eye, no matter whatever result surfaces, it wouldn't be useful. Mainly because, I'm already in my 2nd year of study.

I guess I'll just have to study away for this diploma and count my blessings, in this situation.

---

Other things that have been bothering me, is actually my own lack of discipline. Never mind other people, but it seems that I'm beginning to enter a life of sloth and complacency. If this goes on, I could be in serious trouble; such as losing sight of the path in my life.

I should start taking action on the plans that I've drawn up and stop procrastinating.

---

As usual, no matter whenever, my train of thoughts jumps so quickly and randomly, I'll always end up changing topic no matter where. There are so many things that I want to do.

What, such as a cappella band, and hosting a music station, well, s'not what you guys would have in mind, but actually something closer to radio airwaves and random nonsenses.

Weird ideas, but maybe I should start looking for partners to do that.

---

thrown back to reality.

2010-07-16T22:42:00.002+08:00

After a week of dreaming in the hugs of bonds and friendship, our beloved shizu (of course we all know her real name, we just prefer to affectionately call her shizu/zuzu/ etcetc) flew back to NZ for studies.

She actually came back during her short break. I only got around to meeting her on TGX.

7 days, and I met up with them for like, 5 days. Albeit tiring, but fun-filled adventures of non-stop double-takes, gags, laughters and shooting.

After all these fun and laughter, its like a pull back into reality when she flew back to NZ. Its like back to mundane lifestyle for me.

Well, projects and exams await, though its still the same.

Routines.

updates updates

2010-07-13T17:17:00.003+08:00

Been wanting to update since days ago, but never really got around to doing it (thanks to my procrastinating nature).

TGX was awesome in it's way. The amount of cosplays? Not that much. The games and computers shown on that day? Not that much either. But the friends involved? One heck of a wreck.

Been really a long time since I've enjoyed myself, and met the crazy bunch. It was awesome to finally get together again and have retarded conversation thats filled with mind-fuck images, retarded comments and actions, good ol'e friends and nonsenses.

This week will be a fun-filled and hellish one. Fun-filled, gonna help out with Shizu's shoot and might be sending her off on Friday. Gonna try to make it for both days since god knows when we'll all see her again, end of year?

Hellish is due to the projects involved and the much-dreaded accounting CA2. The heck man? Right after our break ended? Sheesh!

Well, minor update. To keep this place alive. heh

an ocean worth of salt to pinch.

2010-06-26T18:48:00.002+08:00

its funny how the loom of fate spins the thread in such a way that things may just cross over each other but never meant to be.

i'd lament the fact at how everything is being played out, but that isn't my style.

its kind of like a good thing that I never really trust in the series of coincidences that we call " fate", that way, I've learnt to see things through with a pinch of salt.

there is no point in being irritated or lamenting about the things of the 'past'. its about time i end this chapter and move on with the book that we all call "Life".

is life really a mystery?
is fate really at work and everything is pre-destined?

I'd still say fate is just dubbing "a series of cruel coincidences".

better a quarter than a nil, i guess.

the tranquill skies overhead.

2010-06-13T20:54:00.002+08:00

Didn't go out to Dell store as intended today to take a look at my prospective new computer (and liability every month).

Been staying at home the whole day stoning. Slept at insanely 'early' yesterday, or rather today. What, 6 am'ish? LOL (No matter how much I try in ceasing in my usage of internet abbreviations on my blog, still doesn't work.)

Woke up at freaking 4pm, and I've to admit. I still feel whacked out in the head. Like, a lil sleepy.

Then I stone as I watch the day (or whats left of it) passes by.

Will most likely head over to City Hall tomorrow to do what I intended to do today.

Think.. thats all for today.

The skies overhead.

Unpredictable, unreadable.

Magnanimous yet, easily agitated.

emo? not for RONG.

2010-06-12T13:54:00.003+08:00

HARO.

think imitating all that Peter Chao and references from other comedians has really rubbed off to me. I don't really stay serious/emo for long.

That, and I'm probably getting a new computer! So freaking awesome. Can't wait! :O

If life gives me all that lemons, I'll just cut them all and use it for LEMON CHEEKEN.

For one day, ultimately, they'll realize.

and i found the reasons why I kept these facades.

2010-06-12T02:12:00.002+08:00

何の為に戦えて？

何の理由、この世界に生きてる？

Broken japanese, but as long as I understand it, who cares?

Out of the billion people in this world, theres only one right one for you, and several "probable' right ones for you.

Everyone met some of them.

I probably did, but unfortunately, thats just completely one-sided.

I finally remembered why was I so fixated in, and taken pride in, being unreadable to majority. Its like after so much deliberation and thinking, I've found the reasons.

So what if people cared, so what if they are worried? It can't help you much, at least for me. So what would be the best? The best would be that they wouldn't even know what you're thinking.

Works for me, never failed.

Made probably more than thousands of friends in my life, probably not a single one knew how I thought, how I felt, yeah, not even my parents and my elder brother.

Doesn't really matter how they, or the world sees me. For even when I take a look at my inner self, or take a look at the mirror. I don't know who this person I'm seeing everyday.

Take a look at yourself, are you seeing the true you?

the mood for anything

2010-06-11T15:35:00.003+08:00

Theres like, millions of things that I can do with all these time. But I'm not even slightly motivated to do them, yes, even the things that meant fun and enjoyment; games, going out etc.

If only I know how to drive, if only I know a place where I can lie onto the ground and gaze the stars.

Short-lived happiness, unquenchable thirsts for desirable wants, monotonous routines, boring work.

The holidays will be used up for working and nothing else. No progress in things I want.

Trip to Taiwan in 19 days, not exactly very hyped over it either.

iPhone 4 and iPad. Incredible wants. But never gonna get fulfilled unless I work for it.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Every time when someone who caught my eye shows up, the ending is the same as usual.

Karma, and not destined to be.

Life.

emotional outrage, nan te ne? (or some thing like that?)

2010-06-11T02:14:00.002+08:00

The last rounding lap of examination prix has what I'd called a, semi-圆满 ending?

Some things pick up, some things die down. Just when I thought I was finally getting my first streak at lady luck, my mood dampen over minute-details.

Karma, maybe? I don't know. But if thats how it is, then thats how the way the cookie crumbles.

Maybe lethargy's getting over me, so I tend to be a little more easily agitated emotionally.

Agitated, sounds off. Sounds as if I'm gonna flip several tables to vent my rage.

RAGGEEEE

Okay, that was totally random and uncalled for.

Maybe its due to the several random factors, or maybe not so random factors.

Just. Don't. Let. It. Happen. To. Me. Again.

Please.

haro.

2010-06-06T09:24:00.002+08:00

lacked the juice to think of a better blog title, deal with it. lol

Famine Camp really fluctuates between awesome and sucks to the max. Awesome was due to all the facilitators, game masters, station ICs and of course, my group. Everyone of them super receptive of my nonsense. hoho

Sucks, because everything else was so much better last year, from sleeping arrangement, flow of drinks like 100 plus and Milo to the concert venue and performances.

Funny coincidences and interesting happenings all over.

Though I'm extremely sleep deprived, I guess I can say I'm still surviving. Whats worrying me now is actually the test tomorrow, and I'm still too exhausted to study. Crap.

Thats all for now.

ages

2010-05-31T21:17:00.004+08:00

Whoa, its been quite some time since I last updated the web log. Guess I must've been busy with life. :O

Life has been fairly decent lately, pretty happy with most of my situations currently. Yeah, most. Hah.

People come and go, people change, with every moment passing, there are things bound to happen, with or without you knowing. I find comfort in realising that, even if the whole world turns against me, as long as I know myself, whats right and wrong, I think I can live with it.

Funny. It seems whenever I post, its always some random things that flash through my mind.

Though I've to say, everything's beginning to take a toll on me. I'm feeling really exhausted and tired sometimes, with people, with school and anything else.

Oh, and interestingly, I've began to play MapleStory; holy shit :o.

Its just for the new class. May not stay for long :O

Well, thats all folks. Ran outta brain juice.

thousand words

2010-05-16T15:41:00.002+08:00

And like finally. I've got around to updating again. Wow. Can't believe with how busy and tiring school gets these days. 好不容易从百忙抽出空来。

The short-lived knitted bonds quickly severe under the pressure of time. As things settle down, the feelings of new gets buried under as simply fond memories.

People often forgot, when you focus too much on the future, you tend to lose track of the present. Similarly, you focus too much on the present, you lose sight of your future.

Sometimes being too engrossed and focused isn't that good.

The rounding corner on the first lap of tests are arriving. I'm slowly losing interest and my short attention span slowly diminishes the short-termed motivation I've achieved from the past.

Throwing myself in the worlds of what-ifs and daydreams as I grew tire and watch the inevitable with disappointment.

All the more, the wants for searching for a companion grew stronger as the severed bonds continue to grow.

I need to get my head into the game.

momentary solitude

2010-05-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

Today seems to be a day of fire. I burnt up my entire Saturday. Well, guess its pretty good to be out for awhile anyway.

Met up with Desmond to help out with the shoot. Unfortunately due to the suddenly downpour, the noon shoot was canceled. Like, what gives man. First the sweltering heat, then a short rain to make the heat worse.

Met up with Clement to go 'shopping' for his clothes. I swear Dior clothes are made of gold. 3 to 4 digits for a piece isn't cool man. At least not my kind of clothes. (Unless you have Bill Gates or other Forbes list mentioned people)

Went back home at 8, decided to watch Iron Man 2 alone.

---

Odd, I don't usually do posts that chronicles my daily activities like this.

Sometimes watching movies alone isn't really a bad thing, though I've only done it twice. The first time was to watch Star Wars the 3rd of the trilogy; or saga, whatever.

I hate hanging out with Clement. He always re-ignite my infatuation with a certain person. You sucks man. lulz.

I think that, things that seems to happen in my favor are actually cruel coincidences; its not fate. Why? Because if things aren't meant to be, then why the heck you throw things to make it as if its meant to be?

Just saying from a objective point of view. I can assure you that I'm a very stone'ish mood now.

Iron Man 2 was pretty good. Anyone out there who hasn't watch it yet, should.

Alright, thats all for this update.

inspirations and thoughts

2010-05-05T20:17:00.003+08:00

Haven't been able to sleep a lot lately, nor slept well. Exhaustion seems to creep up to me at every single moment. Even after skipping the day's worth of classes just to continue sleeping in doesn't seem to work out that much in the sleep department.

Been thinking these days, how much I've regretted doing and not doing for the past 6-8 years. Certain things came in too quickly, and others too slowly. Really wondered if things would've worked out better had I not choose what I had chose.

I mean, sure, the current situation seems all great and interesting, just a few dull moments whenever I'm not enjoying myself (for example, tutorials), but everything else is great.

Theres still a few dissatisfaction but I guess I'll have to make do with it.

hurling myself into trouble

2010-05-04T01:28:00.004+08:00

Had a good talk with a friend over phone. Feels whacked now somehow, not exactly paying attention probably due to the lack of sleep and I'm about to feel knocked out soon.

I think I won't say I know everything, but I just happen to have a lot of opinions. Many people say that I don't try to let them know or understand me, but in reality, they didn't really try with that intent in mind.

I've been trying to talk to a few people. Like, just as friends, and see whether we can become good friends or close friends or anything. But some people seems to think otherwise, some may think I'm a flirt; whatever.

School has really been dry and exhausting, a lot of things are in my mind, including homework.

I think, people to people needs communication. Everything else could just lead to misinterpretation.

Think thats enough for today, really tired.

sorry if im disgusting

2010-04-29T21:14:00.002+08:00

But the truth is. Thinking too high of yourself without even known reasons is really humiliating, not to me, but to yourself. For someone who acts like royalty without even regal grace is purely full of shit in my books.

And thats all you deserve, a small paragraph in whats pissing me off.

Right now I'm just irritated. Like what the hell is with this whole entire nonsense.

A small gathering that I was looking forward to; from 6 people to 10, then now 14. I was already struggling to handle 10. I mean, some of us are looking forward to bond with the usuals. Then you throw in some people whom we are not close with, how are we gonna be up front with our own personal stuffs?

I'm not a person who's an introvert and hate meeting new people. But we wanted this outing is to keep the bonds that we're already struggling to maintain. Adding more people doesn't make it any more 'merrier' or 'fun' in my books.

Call me an asshole, but thats what I think. If I offend anyone in the process, I do apologize. But this is not something where you can face to face and talk to a random person about.

There are other things that are weighing down my mind now. But I shall stop the quill and leave it as it is; in my head.

There are just sometimes I really feel like shouting out my frustrations and keep myself alone by the seaside.

thoughts

2010-04-17T00:48:00.002+08:00

Just received news from my brother, he told me that my grandfather from my father side has passed away yesterday.

Heard it, was shocked and stunned for several seconds; like all dramatic.

He looked at me quizzically and said "Why do you look so shocked?"

Yeah, true enough. We've nearly never see him for all our life. And honestly speaking, I have no idea how my grandfather looked like, I mean sure. We've seen him a few times(hence, nearly never saw him before), but at least I've completely forgotten how he looked like.

But still, I can't help but feel a little tinge of sadness. I mean, whatever happened, whatever it is, hes still the father of my Dad. There are certain bonds that cannot be cut or changed just because you willed it.

Bottom line, I guess I'll be attending the wake with my brother, maybe secretly.

This whole month has been a whirlwind of experiences for me. Camp trainings to bond the facilitators, choreographing dance (not really choreographing, but meh), practicing dances, the preparation camp, the official Freshmen Orientation Camp, and of course, the Freshmen Orientation Program. All these has really been an eye opener.

But of course, I've made a lot of acquaintances and good friends. I think I'm really lucky to be blessed with my two lovely partners. They really took care of me when they also can't take take care of themselves (haha!), but of course, I tried my best to take care of them and look out for them. So at least its mutual!

I won't say anymore for campers, I just hope that they all enjoyed their camps and programs and that I haven't been a bad leader (GL or whatsoever) in both activities. I tried to spice up things a little bit for the Fantasy cluster, but I guess I'm not good enough >:

I hope the bonds we've made in these few weeks will last... For even if it didn't, it will always be part of me, kept as memories and things that I will smile and laugh about when I look back at the photos.

Thats all for today.

fortunate

2010-04-15T00:20:00.002+08:00

I seriously think this year, I'm damn fortunate. FOC and FOP, I've been blessed with two very blur, but very nice/caring/considerate partners. I think without them, I'll most probably be still grousing over things depressingly or pessimistically.

I won't really say what they did or said. But you two know who you are! Really thanks alot, appreciate it. (If I ever took the effort to blog about it, it really matters. ;p)

Okay, waves of lethargy is overwhelming me.

With this, I end the post

wavering and shaky emotional pillars

2010-04-12T00:51:00.004+08:00

I think I'm at it again. To make it worse, I'm feeling sick.

As of now, I'm just writing on and on and on without any idea where this blog post is going to. I guess I can call this freedom writing. As of now, I'm actually having my forehead on the table and typing or lashing out at the keyboard at whatever that comes into my mind.

I don't know. Seems that everything's going all the way to the trash. I can't really call this a bad luck. Just... meh.

Ever felt unappreciated? I think I just mentioned this the last post. But I guess it just keeps coming back over and over again.

I feel like, something comparable to an instant noodle. Only eaten when needed, when you don't need it, you just stash it aside, for some rainy day where you'll need it again.

That kind of feeling really sucked. Its just the old things repeating over and over again. When they need you, they come looking for you, when they don't, they kick you aside like you didn't matter.

Its just feels fucked up.

Worse of all. It seems that everyone else can replace this 'friend' you are.

And its just funny, how easily others seem to be able to replace you; how much effort they've put in compared to you, how much different and how much you really gave a damn.

I guess in the eyes of the beholder, it varies. And Wayne is always the zimbabwe dollar.

Whatever it is. I think I've given up on everything.

-----

I'd ask myself, what kind of person am I? Because honestly, if I don't know myself.

Whatever it is. Let it all out.

dark thoughts; i'm no saint.

2010-04-11T04:00:00.002+08:00

I'm not a saint, I'm not perfect.
I've strengths and I've definitely have more weaknesses.

I have no understanding in this. I find myself being taken for granted over and over again, times and times again. (Yes, I have the tendency to say redundant things in different form, so bite me.)

I don't know man. I don't know anymore. I just seem to break rather easily with all these pent-up stresses. And it feels incredibly fucked up feeling unappreciated. Yes, couple that with all that shit things I've to settle now, you get one fucked up Wayne.

I don't know. Its just, everything just 'goes wrong' because I'm moody. My 'dark thoughts' seems to break out from it's space and just invade every single thing I see. Every sentence, every movement every observation, I seem to pick something negative to think about.

Urgh, things are just fuzzy and all weird now.

Guess today's post is just up to here. I need a timeout.

four days of camp, 10 hours of sleep

2010-04-08T16:06:00.000+08:00

Before I start with the blog post, I've to say I'm -slightly disappointed- that our cluster did get as high as Phantom or Devils. But nonetheless, I'm glad that at least all our Fantasy campers are enthusiastic!

Day 0

Nothing much to say here. I reached school at 12, and did a little bit of practice of the dancing and the facils all sharing their 'ghost stories'. Lights out at supposedly 3 am. But after much flipping around, me, Abel, Eric and Riz decided to go down and take a little walk.

In the end? We four ended up lazing around and chat till 7. Before we headed for shower.

'Day 1'

Officially day 1 la!

Breakfast was decent, but I was beginning to tire, and my appetite was bad, and had instances of nausea.

Then briefing here and there (I think), then registering of campers.

I swore, me and a few got so high, we really started doing stupid stuffs and looking stupid. But hell, it was funny.

After that, small introduction, running here and there. Ice breakers, zonal challenge. Basically, everything else la.

One thing is, I'm super glad that my 'Avatars' all so enthusiastic, they all already had a cheer ready even before the zonal challenge. <3>

After dinner, is discussing Gala Night. Taught them Gee! Haha, its fun in the gay way, but LOL.

Then night walk. Facils all shared Ghost Stories, but sometimes atmosphere ruined ah ):

okok, I seem to be writing in a 'broken' form. But meh, whatever works.

Day 2

Breakfast, dirty games, wet games, Gala night.

I've to say one thing, I felt super stressed about Gala Night. We last minute changed the song to "Mister". But okay la, damn proud of Avatars. All memorized the dance steps within 1 hour.

Then its disco night. Me, Mel, John, Susan, Yu Duan went back to take a shower.

Talk cocked with the cluster 3,4 and 2 girls (and some 3 and 4 guys) in the girls bunk. Hopefully they didn't find us too fail ah. >: LOL

Went back to facils bunk to write warm fuzzy at 4 plus. Wrote till 6.30, totally ko'd

Day 3, nothing much. Except one thing

"For the Zonal Challenge; in third place"

I swear that the whole Avatar was thinking "Aiya, confirm not us win one."

Then Tony went

"From Fantasy, Avatar."

LOL, you should have seen Avatars expression and reaction. All went "Huh?!"

Haha, epic moments.

Okay, really broken up updated, but its just like, several time lines here and there. Ultimately, I think the facils all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly for the camp;albeit tiring and exhausting, but hey, whatever works.

misdirections

2010-04-02T21:56:00.002+08:00

Had an overnight outside with the usuals yesterday over at City Hall. Playing games on my laptop is somewhat interesting and hillarious in a way.

Woke up fairly late today, what, 7.40 pm? Had this sense of loss somehow. I can't quite put a finger to what it is, but its definitely not because I don't have goals or whatsoever.

..
..
..

Okay, lost my train of thoughts on what I wanted to write. But all in all, the feeling of being loss in direction sucks.

Jya

drifter and vagrant, the only difference is euphemism/sugar-coating.

2010-03-31T01:06:00.000+08:00

Recently I haven't been feeling all great. I meant it in many ways; physically, and emotionally and probably other forms.

Well, I could point out a few of the causes, but what difference would that make? It'll only make me look like I'm whining or ranting. Whines and rants, I think I've grown out of it.

Well, apart from the problems the Mum has been throwing at me with her tantrums, things are going quite fine in the house. However, my lack of patience these days due to my irritable mood, not exactly the best combination.

Interestingly, I've realized something. Apparently, doing quizzes on FaceBook (bite me, I'm bored) made me realized it. I have no one I can deem as one of my 'close friends'. Good friends maybe, acquaintances (well, duh). But someone who knows me through and through, hangs out with me so many times that I've lost count? None.

But of course, the problems lies with myself and not others. My 'motto' is probably the cause of it. "Close enough with everyone, but don't get too involved". I don't know, I did it to remain neutral and -OUT- of politics. Well, for best or for worse, the ones I hang out with nowadays are probably Isaac and Daryl. (No offense)

Well, for worse is probably, we all are in different stages of life. What they've been through, lets just say its not what I'm going through now. Our worries and problems are mostly of different levels (not as in difficulty or whatsoever, but of different generations).

For the good? I can expect mature opinions from them. They know where to draw the line of having fun and do serious things.

On the side note, I think my room reeks of MacDonalds, and my table is in a huge mess. About time to clean up.

Ah shit, I lost my train of thoughts. Oh well.

Moral of the story, I'm in an irritable mood, I grew extremely irritated of some dude's usual antics (Don't get me started on him. I'd rant). Well, and basically I'm highly irritable these days.

Whatever it is. I should probably go out and take a breather some day.

the difference.

2010-03-29T22:27:00.002+08:00

Have you ever been in a conflict where you brood over something where you have already thought of solutions to solve, but caught in a dilemma of not knowing which solution to apply?

It can be incredibly frustrating. It really is. Having to choose something that sounds 'right to others', and something that is 'right to you' can be very torturous.

In my case, it really depends on whether the object of concern. Where some of my ideas are in sync with the 'politically correct', but other times....

Meh, I don't know. Been re-watching some other dramas stored in my hard-drive. Made me think of stuffs that I've already thought about.

In other news, bla bla bla bla.

Ehh, I'm done with 'trying to create chances and coincidences'. I think there are certain things, if they are meant to be, they'll fall into places naturally. What I can do, is wait and see how things goes.

Kinda freaked out lately. I can't seem to express myself much while blogging. Must be the brain juices being drained out or something.

That, or because I usually don't blog about daily happenings and only uses the blog as a platform to pen down my ideals.

I also think that it's pretty interesting to read up some of my older blog posts. Though they all seem angsty.

Well, thats about it today.

i inherited the goals from "myself from yesterday"

2010-03-28T00:32:00.002+08:00

Although my comfortable bed beckons and just looking at it tempts and lulls the two windows on my face to shut, I shall pen, or rather in this situation, write, down my various random thoughts that flash past my mind today.

I think I recovered pretty well already.

From what? From wallowing in self-pity.

Indeed, my outstanding results (in the negative way) have gave me a slap across the face in my mind's eye. Such dejection, just from knowing that, is a huge wound to myself. Indeed, complacency will be my very undoing.

However, I find it... pointless.

Not in studying, definitely. But rather, pointless in brooding about what has happened, or contemplating what -could have- happened. (Such as I could have scored GPA 4.0 or something)

I mean, sure, you can feel remorse for whatever you do, you can reprimand yourself inwardly for all the mistakes you've committed. But definitely, even if you do not forgive yourself, you have to face it.

What's happened, has happened.

There is no way for us to turn the time back just to simply amend our mistakes or relive the moment or memories that we want. If there are things that you don't like about your environment now, there are only two things you can do.

1) Change, be it yourself, or find a way to influence your environment to change.

2) Endure and bite the bullet. The time for a new environment will definitely come.

Whatever it is, I shall stop being so complacent and lazy (mostly lazy actually). Studying shall be one of my priorities from now on, and I'll set these goals, of at least being capable of entering a local university. And the me from tomorrow, will inherit these goals I set today.

Some people just doesn't change. Yes, I change the topic real quickly. I think I've given up on certain individuals. More than a year of lecturing and nagging is wasting my time, energy and breath. Since they refuse to do anything about it, I'm not obligated to help anymore.

These few days, been kinda busy, kinda not. Stayed over at Isaac's place to crash some games. Pretty interesting and had some chat over. I think exchange insights aren't bad at all.

I need to re-collect my thoughts. So Wayne shall sign out from here.

Jya

my nobel prize

2010-03-24T22:18:00.002+08:00

I think I should be receiving words from the Nobel awards soon or something. Like, congratulations, you've been nominated for your astounding achievement of astronomical value in your GPA or something.

And my aching body isn't good too.

Just break camp, can't say I totally enjoyed the camp.

Tiring, repetitive and, well, meh.

I think I will be settling a lot of administration stuffs soon.

And as a results from being really distracted from my blogging, I forgot what to blog.

Anyway, results wise. I think I've already anticipated it, so I can't say I'm affected to the point where I'm feeling sad or that kind of shit.

Whatever it is, I think its better to plow forward and see how it goes.

Wow, optimistic view from a pessimist.

Well, thats all folks. I'm alive.

flaws

2010-03-20T01:06:00.003+08:00

Everyone has some, mine? Pretty major. Along with the usual people know me for being, such as temperamental, guai lan by stages (bad mood or tired, worse), and many more. But the one I'm most bothered by?

My incapability to talk to someone else, someone new, someone whom I'm not on close terms with. Honestly, I don't really mind -anyone- talking to me, even strangers. Because I'm the sort of person where I find it hard to converse with people I'm not used to. Why? Because I'm really blunt, and too straightforward. A fatal flaw in terms of knowing people.

I don't think I need to explain. Pretty easy to understand.

And also, I don't like to sugar coat, which makes it worse.

LOL

So, well, people whom I'm not very close with, I'm not socially awkward, I'm just keeping my mouth shut just in case you took my jokes and bluntness the wrong way.

On a side note, today was an interesting training. I think I'm addicted to dancing to Korean songs. lol

I've tried to start, but you might have thought the same thing as I had.

Why don't you try it this time?
So I know that I don't have to be reserved about it.

routines, part 2

2010-03-18T23:21:00.002+08:00

A little continuation from my, er, half-assed update yesterday.

Well, as of now, I still feel as half-assed. Every thing's pretty routine again.

Can't really put a finger to whether I preferred going to school or having holidays. I mean, its better for me cause I hate going to school, but I want to be occupied with things, and possibly, fun too.

-Shrugs-

Well, that aside. At least I've got a lot of things to do tomorrow, like camp session tomorrow, and meeting up with the usuals.

And I pretty much got it already, unless its not what I thought.

Think passive Wayne will remain as passive. Thats better.

I grew tire of this cycle, I should just, ionno, take a break or something.

Gah, whatever.

routine.

2010-03-18T01:37:00.002+08:00

Here I am, sitting before my laptop, tapping onto the keys monotonously. With the cable television distracting me. Haha.

Its incredibly... dull, and everything seems to be repeating itself again and again.

I guess theres nothing I can do, it seems like I'm living my life pretty aimlessly.

We're from different walks of life

Just strangers brushing shoulders

I guess its pretty insane to see random people saying hello to each other.

I think I've really got so distracted by the movie that I totally forgot about the things I wanted to blog about.

Ah well, shall leave it for next time.

get a grip.

2010-03-14T14:16:00.002+08:00

Waking up everyday, feeling lethargic is certainly a bad sign. Its back to the unhealthy lifestyle of waking at funny and lousy timing.

This is bad, its as if I'm living aimlessly everyday. And with the releasing of results on the 24th coming closer (and the eventual bad news of forward module), I can hardly get a grip on myself.

It feels as if everything is going in reverse flow of against what I wanted. Well, I know I brought it upon myself, but it wouldn't hurt to rant a little, would it?

Well, putting that aside, the weather these days are very tempting. Rainy eh? Certainly a good weather to sleep in. (Just that I've always woke up at screwed up timing, sleeping anymore would make me a koala bear. lol)

I wonder. How come different people from different country can have such a huge difference in perception on a person? The Japanese students I bring around Singapore always have such a positive perception on me that I find it hard, not to blush.

But of course, the same reaction I get from both Singaporeans and Japanese never failed to amuse me. Whenever they asked the question, on whether I have a girlfriend. I answered 'No', and they'll be surprised. Then they'll ask whether if I had any ex-girlfriends. Answering truthfully will make them doubt me. It just, feels damn hilarious.

Well, even I -want-a girlfriend. Thats a given, I'm 19 this year, and not having one almost make me stick out as if I'm borderline gay. I'm not.

Its just that, I feel that if we don't bide our time and choose wisely (well, 'choose' may sound vulgar, but I can't really think of any words more suitable for now), we may be very well wasting our time, money and energy.

Well, maybe its just me. But I'm the sort that wants an everlasting relationship, so definitely, I'll take my time and see, whether the girl in mind can really click well. I need someone whom I can confide in, and definitely strong enough emotionally.

Well, putting those asides. I shall go and take a shower and play my PS3. I can't help but feel drained out in the brain department. Maybe I'm not feeling so expressive today.

Ja.

lethargy and unfeeling.

2010-03-10T21:04:00.002+08:00

Many things will be happening soon, such as the training for this year's Freshmen Orientation Camp, the preparation camp and the camp itself. But I don't... really feel much about it. I can't feel any excitement or what not.

Why so? I don't really know, it could partially be caused by the lethargy the job has caused. I'm kinda worn out these days. Like, even if I'm resting today, I'm already feeling tired; at 9 pm, seriously.

Another probable reasons would most likely be due to me knowing that I wouldn't score very well for my entire year's worth of examinations. My GPA surely would sky rocket, the other way round.

Regarding the Japanese job. It feels like we're underpaid some times, coupled with the extremely exhausting footwork under the cruel hot sun and sometimes totally boring or unappreciative students, you would hardly find it satisfying. If we were well paid, at least we'd feel good at the end of the day, no matter what kind of students we get.

Besides all this ramblings. I think its time I put some interesting bits of things I've found out from YouTube. Y'all who sees this post should really take a look at this video.

Okay, tired person should stop trying to post

i made more cents than sense

2010-03-10T00:28:00.002+08:00

There are a lot of things that I've said, many wrongs, very little rights.

Between life experiences, and between the things that I've learnt through 1st hand information (via friends, regarding their various experiences).

When I was younger, I thought that everything had an absolute result; just like 1+1= 2. I found myself proven wrong, again and again.

Why? I realized that humans and life itself, is a never-ending mystery. The beauty of life, is the woes and happiness that we encounter. It is the very contrast that gave meaning to melancholy and bliss.

A simple example (as usual, it may not make sense):

Assuming you've only ate bitter food for all your life, and eat bitter gourd as if its like your daily supplements of rice.

Then, you've tasted sweet, sugar, and everything else.

Only then, you'll realize how bitter, a bitter gourd really is, and how sweet, is the sugar is.

That aside, please. If you've read my previous posts, or rather, any posts. Just take them as reading a person's rants. I merely pen down whatever that came onto my head.

---

Random thoughts aside, I've been worn down a lot lately. 3 consecutive days straight of work isn't easy, Japanese students or not, enjoyable or not. Its all tiring.

Politics aplenty.

Enough thoughts today.

Real tired.

a burning passion or passing flicker?

2010-03-06T23:57:00.003+08:00

Haven't really got around to practicing the piano lately. Does that mean that it was just a passing... as the Chinese say, in direct translation, 3 minute passion?

I'm not really sure. But I think if I'm determined enough to starve myself for nearly 2-3 months to get myself a digital piano, I'd say its well passionate enough about something. (Definitely not the slight obsession or infatuation)

Unfortunately, I'm not able to put in through my thoughts intellectually, or some would say in a 'linguistic' way. So mind my inability to express in colorful phrasings.

There are many things in life I'd like to achieve. So many dreams, so many goals. I wanted to be a policeman when I was young, but I'm never athletic. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in secondary school, but I never was... capable, or smart enough. I wanted to go into business, however I'm never able to think out of the box, never unconventional enough.

I wanted to learn piano when I was really young, my parents forbade it. I wanted to be a singer when I was in secondary school, my parents forbade it once again. I went against their wish, funded my own vocal lessons with Ocean Butterfly.

It never went as well as I thought.

I struggled and struggled.

Until I realized, I'm not talented enough.

Others would always like to encourage the rest, hard work always reaps benefit, or you reap what you sow. I beg to differ.

"Hard work is the path leading to opportunity. But opening the door of opportunity is one thing, getting it is another."

Maybe many would disagree, but I never intend to foist my qualities unto others.

Although I dislike to bring up an analogy like this, but I guess I have to.

Assuming theres this person, we dub him/her as "A". "A" worked really hard, studied really hard. And in the end, "A" got an L1R4 of 18 points.

Yes, you'd think its unfair and "A" deserved better for that hard work. You thought that hard work really reaps.

But have you thought that, if "A" didn't worked that hard at all, maybe "A" wouldn't have gotten that 18 points at all?

No, I wasn't trying to say whether "A" is smart or not. We're just saying that the door of opportunity sometimes isn't as easy to get as you think so. Maybe I'll end up offending people, or people may end up thinking I have an elitist mindset, I don't, mind you.

I just feel that. If you keep thinking that, oh, hard work is gonna get me results. Then I think thats just wrong. Theres a flaw with that logic, I'd call it the paradox.

Well, maybe I'll just present the obvious.

"Practice makes Perfect"
"Nobody is Perfect"

You may not link to it, but at least you realize, whatever sagacity the ancient philosophers possess, it belonged to their era. It may not work with the present.

On the other hand, Fate.

Some believes that Fate has etched their destinies before their birth, and blindly accepted it, refusing to make changes to their plight, their state. And remained stagnant, remained stationary.

Some refuses to believe that Fate has etched their destinies. They strongly believed that they have the power to change their own destinies.

I say they are both wrong.

Type 1, they relied too much on luck, coincidences and blamed their failures and things that doesn't went as planned on "Bad Luck", or "Fate". And I meant everything.

Type 2, they may very well end up as one of the few most egoistic people in the world. But little do they know that they can't manipulate "luck". A string of coincidences is luck, a domino effect of coincidences is a Miracle. But they seem to think that they can plan things out. Lets just face it, things may never go as well as planned. Many of you may have experienced this first hand, we usually call it the "Murphy's Law".

Why do I say they are both wrong? There are no extremes for this cases, yes thats really funny, coming from an extreme person like me. I think there are certain things are definitely rolled into places by destiny. But its up to you whether you roll into the same places as 'destiny' or 'fate' rolled you into.

Don't understand? Its a very simple term called 'choices'. I can't seem to find the right words to put it in. But lets just say this:

"If you have $10, what would you do?"

Ah, thats a huge number of choices presented to you. But what you end up doing, especially things that are incredibly predictable by your nature or personalities, is the things we called 'etched by fate'.

Its a very complex theory I thought, and its not at all complete. So I wouldn't be surprised if many people found flaws in this, explanation I made. But its okay. Even if I were to be proven wrong, I'll just figure life works. Because thats the beauty of life.

If everyone were to achieve an Utopia on earth itself. Full of fun and laughter. Wouldn't life be miserable? I'm no sadist, nor masochist. But I don't find life full of ups and no downs interesting.

Really out of brain juices now. I think I can very well endlessly go on with this.

Heh

the crashing of the uniformed society.

2010-03-06T01:09:00.003+08:00

As the heading goes, I went crashing over at HCJC today. Quite an interesting trip, with many guai lan moments with the two dudes who 'hosted' me today.

All in all a good trip though.

Reached there, head over to Coronation Plaza, waited for a bit then met up with the guys. Still must thank them though, they aren't really obliged to accompany me to see and talk shit.

Oh, I forgot to fill this in. I went to the school to watch some event plays. DramaFest, was it? Think so.

After some time thinking alone (I had a LOT of that time to do that during the plays), I thought it's pretty cool. The school has pretty much school spirit. I liked it.

Come to think of it, Polytechnic.. Although its always free and easy (apart from projects, assignments and tests), there isn't really anything as close as a united school. And I really preferred wearing a school uniform, though the downside of going to JCs meant that our hair are pretty much the default ones.

Gah, I ran out of brain juices. But today was definitely fun and interesting.

funny fickle

2010-02-23T19:11:00.002+08:00

I kinda disliked it, fickleness, especially so when it happens in dire situations; exams for one example.

That, and my procrastination. I hope that my mixing up of dates and procrastinating of studies don't end up throwing accountancy into my forward module list.

And so, I've kept myself busy from things that has nothing to do with studying. I find it highly irritating that the exams falls during the Chinese New Year, and throwing a double jeopardy for both events; Chinese New Year and the examinations of course.

Why so? The dread of final term examination draws close on the lunar new year, dampening your mood to celebrate the actually festive season; when you're suppose to have loads of fun, including pigging yourself out, playing games with people you know, visiting friends' places and many more.

And in turn, the festive season drains all your will and motivation to study; at least my will and motivation. Now I felt like a retard, trying to retain the information into my head with half-assed effort.

Next of the fickle-mindedness, well, I don't feel safe talking about it here. HAH! But those who know me well enough knows where I'm going with this one. Talking about crazy ideas.

But I hope this will be a good year, and a good way to kick off the good ear, I mean, year, (HEAR HEAR!) would definitely be a smooth transition into my second year, get to know the people I want to know, good news of my planned trip to Taiwan (MOAR FOOD), and well. Whatever thats suppose to come.

Relatively naggy update. Hope whoever still drops by don't get bored of this.

the insufficient, the job, the farewell

2010-02-07T00:15:00.002+08:00

you know, i've been tied up to the neck recently. i've felt so constricted and suffocated.

everything's routine, project piles (and not done yet), untouched chapters for my finals, totally untouched homework,

sleep was nearly out of the equation of 24 hours.

reached home at 9 plus yesterday, played some games and slept at 2.30

woke up at 6.30, rushed with my preparation and quickly met up with Stan before we headed off for work.

job was, quite routine. and downright tiring, the inadequate sleep really killed my enthusiasm. thank god I still managed to entertain them. (but my legs were aching like nobody's business)

ended at 5.30, arranged to meet with Yumi and Jes (they were working as well) and headed to Changi to meet Shizu for her farewell POPEYES dinner. (Yeah! Popeyes!)

I... stayed quite for quite some time. I have this, nagging worry that I'll cry if I joined in their conversation, I tried to stone at somewhere or something. Randomly singing songs out loud (one of the rare occasions you'll see me doing that), talking more nonsense than usual. Then finally, Shizu's bidding farewell. I barely talked anyway, and then she left.

In the midst of talking (for the farewell video), I cried. Well, not cry cry, but like, manly tears. LOL.

--

Coming to a conclusion. I realised that, despite the three years that I've known Shizu, and the fact that I seldomly had or struck a conversation with her, Shizu is an important friend to me.

That, and I'm bad at farewells. Call me emotional/sensitive/weak, but I seem to 'tear' easily when placed in such situations.

And well, various other things I've realised, but I shall not drown in them right now.

I think I need a good rest.

Before I start K'ing my projects.

Cheerios.

macau and hairy matters.

2010-01-13T01:04:00.002+08:00

After a few days I got back from Macau, I've finally got my lazy ass into blogging.

Macau trip was pretty fun, despite the fact that I've got into a few quarrel with my mum and various matter that happened throughout the trip, all in all, it was good.

I came into a realization (not that I didn't realize actually), that the views of my family on me was pretty screwed up.

They thought that I'm:

1) Childish

2)Stubborn (And thus leading to the childish thing all over again)

3)Naive

4)Lack of knowledge

Come to think of it, they've always treated me like a child. All these lack of communication, they always think that my opinions are dumb and useless; just because I like different things and held different beliefs.

I beg to differ.

I think that I held different beliefs, and have very strong faith in it. You can say I'm sugar-coating, or whatever. But thats what I think I really am. Just because I had a minority-level of opinion (long hair, different fashion), doesn't mean that I'm the one in the wrong.

I think up till now, only my ex-form teacher truly understands me; at least in the matters of hair length. I quote him, word for word, in regards for two of my oral examination results.

"Wow Wayne. It seems that the longer your hair, the better your results"

I have to say, its pretty true. In two different oral examination (the first one where I sport a short hair, and the 2nd one where I had way longer hair; breaking the school rules by a bit.), the first one I scored 33, the 2nd, 39.

Call me 心里作用 or whatever. But thats the truth.

In a nutshell, I can only do well when I feel good about myself. Yes, about myself, me feeling good about it. I don't care if people thinks me sporting a long hair is ugly. As long as I pass my own sub-standard and felt good about it, it doesn't matter.

But it seems that all don't agree.

And I'm not about to press on the matter.

If worse come to worse? I'll just shave bald.

Today's entry wasn't much, but I couldn't be bothered to anymore.

Cheerios

2010

2010-01-06T03:57:00.002+08:00

Another 2 years, 12 months and 13 days to the day of reckoning.

Or so some people claimed that the Mayan calendar ends on that day.

Its been really long since I last blogged. What, a month or so?

The final term of my year 1 has begun, and so has the final exams are just rounding the corner. And here I am, sitting on my chair, hitting the keys on my laptop and watching the time goes by.

Flying to Macau in about 18 hours! Can't say I'm not hyped about the thoughts of flying to overseas.

Things... are getting better. December to January has been a good transition to a new year. I've got to know a lot of new people. Like, a real lot of people. And sure, this holiday has been a good way to relieve my 'stress'. It was a fun one, albeit busy and tiresome.

EOY'09 has ended. It wasn't a bad event, just really cramped. But the organizers worked hard, so no complains there.

Theres been a lot of things that I really want to update about, but somehow I don't feel like doing it now. Maybe it's cause I'm real tired now.

Just updating so people know I'm still alive.

Jya.

happy new year people.

coughing fits, seizures, the epic

2009-12-02T02:16:00.002+08:00

Really fallen ill recently. The crazy coughing fits is beginning to get irritating.

Have you guys ever witnessed a person having seizures or fits? Well I did. It was incredibly shocking. One of my students for tour guide actually had fits when we were in the MRT Station. Thank god that we haven't even left far from the hotel.

Thing I learnt through this? Keep a calm mind. Many told me I was extremely calm with the situation, but I don't really think so; just not calm enough.

Oh, and I've got to say. I got really lucky these days. Having Rina in my group was totally epic and jaw-dropping. I think many people would agree with me. But I'm not about to elaborate :P

--

Oh, and as far as I'm concerned. I've got to say I'm really entertained. Things were about to get boring with the usual routines when you guys cooked up some drama for me. Please, by all means, continue with the drama. I'd be on the VIP seat and eating popcorns, watching your childish ploys and funny gimmicks.

You know, its kinda funny that how a person can make you hate someone you completely don't know. More incredibly how easily influenced some people can get.

--

Yeah, I know. This blog's getting dead and I'm throwing random things into it. But lets just put it this way, its just a platform for me to either

1) Vent my boredom
2) Vent my anger
3) -Insert your creative imagination here-

Oh, just so if the guy who drops by to this blog (Even though its nigh impossible):
By all means, go ahead and play your manipulation game. A little word of advice though, I can see through your little ploys and your facade. Just becareful with the fire you're playing with~

the lazy one and the vague updates

2009-11-25T01:37:00.004+08:00

As usual, I've rarely got the urge to blog these days. Too many things seems to whiz in and out of my life and I haven't really been keen to update it onto the blog.

Hmm, yeah. Now that I really think about it, waaay too many things happened, and too little time to breath in between, let alone blogging it out.

Haven't been able to get adequate sleep lately, urgh.

Been watching Narnia these two days. I've to say, I'm quite impressed. I was quite skeptical about it, since it sounded way too catered to children. But apparently, its still alright. (Though there's quite alot of Christian themes to it)

Apart from that, AFA, school and everything's got me exhausted. But theres quite a good deal and interesting stuffs that happened along with it; and due to my lazy nature, I'm not about to elaborate.

---

It's got me into thinking, yes I do think, (despite my refusal to use my brains for proper use [yes, its brains. you have the left, the right and central brain]) many people seems to abandon their friends.

And I'm quite irritated by this one, or maybe two person. But it seems that we all really need to get on with life. Whatever's going to happen, I guess I can't really help it.

---

On a side note, apart from being irritated, it doesn't really affect me. Maybe its just that, I've gotten used and liked solitude. Crowds are fun, but solitude doesn't mean boring or sad.

Ugh, its quite hard to put it into words you know.

---

And for a side note on any random people who chanced upon this blog. I'm quite a person who's not able to speak to anyone. I run out of topics fast, I'm don't have a glib tongue, and I'm blunt.

Wait, what? Why am I even bothering to write this?

Well, whatever. Its high time that I get my shower and prep for bed. I still have school.

Cheerios

Life, is like riding on a train.

You, will ultimately sit through the entire ride.

The train has uncountable stops

Friends are the ones who sit through for awhile

Strangers are the ones who do not board the same train.

Ultimately, you will be the one reaching the final stop.

Alone

How entertaining, boring, the train ride will be

Lies with you.

Some things are set in stone, some things aren't.

Cherish all those around you,

for life only happen once.

back from hiatus.

2009-11-10T16:10:00.002+08:00

After another long break from blogging, maybe its high time that I get back into it.

Haven't been doing much lately, besides schooling and gaming.

Been working alot as well! Ugh, its really tiring; walking around the hot Singapore, bringing my Japanese students around.

But it gives me a sense of self-satisfication.

School.. Haven't been interesting, as usual. But I've grown to like one or two of the new modules.

Etiquette and Professional Imaging
Fundamentals of Marketing

After saving a wee bit of cash (in the bank of course), its tempting me to spend them.

Oh, I've got a new object of fascination/obsession! LOL

But its a hush hush. ;P No one will ever know, save a few people. lol

the hiatus

2009-10-23T09:44:00.004+08:00

Haven't been hitting the keys on my web-log for quite some time. Have been unable to update due to exhaustion and tight schedules.

School has just re-opened this week. Pretty tiring as far as I know. Have been waking up really early all these days.

Wednesday and Thursday was fun. Especially Wednesday. The overwhelming responses did perk me up for a bit. Not to mention shocked my friends.

I've suddenly wanted to study Japanese again. Omg >_>

Dunno what to do >_>

Well, shall end the post today.

the days, the dawn and the sunset.

2009-09-30T00:40:00.002+08:00

And I'm finally hitting the keys for this web log, or blog, whatever.

Went over to BP and met up with Ronnie and Kelvin. Headed over to Bugis to get my ODM Pixel. (Will up the pictures once my mobile phone stop being an arse.)

Got it off for $179. $10 off because of certain circumstances.

Headed off to Long John's for dinner and then hung around over at Iluma's Acadia arcade. Then headed to Dhoby Ghaut to meet the rest for night cycling, then we rushed over to East Coast Park.

Reached there around 10'ish, and thank god we managed to rent the bikes. 7 bikes, and then we cycled around the area before Zayar reach.

When he reached, chatted for abit then woo! Night cycling commenced. We cycled till Changi Village, reaching there at around 2'ish, and back forth, dragging our tired bodies (and aching ass) to the Jetty-area for a short breeze, and rest.

Finished our round at 6.30. Damn, we cycled over 20'ish clicks. Probably around 25 or more. The guys ( Power of NINE _|_ )ate at Macs, then the CCK'ers (including me, duh) caught a cab and HOME'D.

Lazy to update, pretty much. Have to get my sorry butt to CMPB tomorrow to settle some deferment nonsense. Hope no-shit will happen man.

Cheer out.

results.

2009-09-24T21:20:00.003+08:00

I've got to say, nothing can be worse than scoring lower than your expectations. Things like effective communication, I can't believe I scored a C+.

Economics and Accountancy is hardly surprising.

Guess I gotta buck up.

Short post today, goes to see how shock I am.

a different kind of serenity

2009-09-20T16:09:00.003+08:00

I would often sit down and think to myself whenever I get this piece of silence late in the night, or rather early in the morning. As usual, unreadable thoughts would whiz through my tired mind as I fail to catch them. My buzzing mind would just keep whirling as I tried to pick a single thought randomly and read them.

I fail to do so, even at grasping those thoughts that just flew past me.

After the 星蘭際 preview yesterday, I went over to HCJC. Under the quiet night sky, thousands of chatters boomed my surroundings. Despite my attempts to shut them off internally, I realized I couldn't.

I took a time-off as I eat, keeping myself silent throughout between the conversations of Clement, Wei En and some other guy. The buzzing of my mobile phone kept my thoughts off.

I also realized, that even though thousands of conversations surround us. I could hardly pick one and eavesdrop. Despite that fact, I find that this is, another form of serenity. Engulfed by the numerous waves of social chatters, surrounded by throngs of people.

Nothing beats a shower after reaching home from a exhausting day. The two eye-candies of the day hardly kept me excited enough to beat the influences of sand-man. I laid down in bed around 1 in the night. As the lethargy took over, I slept easily.

Many things happened in the same day, leading me to prove one of my 'philosophies'. Life only comes once, as with opportunities. Cherish them, for once you lose it, you can never find it again.

Some may disagree, but I don't really bother to argue with them at that point.

Today's a rather random update.

Cheerios.

Rebellions and differences.

2009-09-17T21:02:00.002+08:00

You know, I've always made comparisons. Comparing Singapore's culture with other places like the States, Taiwan, Japan.

When it comes to this, I became bored. Most Singaporeans are making choices in a conservative way. And that means that they do not venture into the hitherto and unknown.

Which is pretty much that led to boredom, or rather, boring life.

Yes, they have fun. But their kind of fun doesn't really seem that long-lasting.

For example, an Indie band. Assuming you're a Japanese and you're in that band. You can do a country-wide tour and have loads of fun (that, and assuming you're good, orworked very hard to practice from scratch)

Not sure if this analogy works for anyone.

Gah, at any rate. Whenever I seem to talk to someone about it, doesn't work. I can't blog. >_>

Next time, maybe.

traits.

2009-09-14T02:35:00.002+08:00

You know, I've known this for the longest time. But whenever you try to be funny, everything just goes poof for you.

Yes, even if you are funny.

All the endearing and good traits you have, seem to disappear from people's eyes. People can never take you seriously.

I grew annoyed and frustrated whenever that happens. Maybe I've got to choose between 'trying to be funny' or just plainly keep my mouth shut.

Short post today, just ranting. heh.

these sleepless nights

2009-09-11T07:07:00.003+08:00

Haven't really got around blogging these days. But as you can see, this is actually the 2nd time I've not slept yet at 7 am'ish.

First time's around, I don't know.. 8th September I reckon. Ronnie and Kelvin came over my place and we hanged around and chatted. Then had supper at around 11 ish before going home.

Chatted with Ron till, I don't know. 7? Had an engaging conversation with him over at msn. Then I took a shower and headed over to raffles place. Reached there at 8 am and met up with Huining and Jolene.

Reached there and stoned. I just stoned stoned and stoned. I think I got group 8-2. Group of guys. Too many names, and they all introduced their full names >.> I remembered notably is Yutaka-kun, Takama..., Shota and Roko. Haha, they mostly introduced their nicknames as well. So yup.

Brought them around, conversed with them in a mix of Japanese and English. Interesting bunch. They confided me with their secrets too, coolios =)

Then after that, met up with Ronnie and 小扫 @ Bugis. Took bus to BP then changed bus to Ronnie's home. Watched movie then chionged to Bugis at 10pm. Slacked around and home'd at 12.

Then slept at 1 am. Woke up the next day.

Boring day throughout, met Yubin at 6pm and chatted abit. Home'd after that.

Chatted with Ronnie bro again on msn till morning. ODM is <3>

Gonna meet Stanley later. Breakfast. =)

Keep on ODM'ing.

the resolution from ages ago.

2009-09-01T00:52:00.004+08:00

Today was a nostalgic trip to memory lane.

Despite the fact that I never liked going to Dunearn, meeting back old friends, junior and teachers was definitely heart-warming.

Of course, many failed to recognize me; despite my futile attempts to appear as recognizable as before. LOL

Nothing much to blog today actually, apart from being really exhausted these days; insufficient sleep.

Remembering the day I made my decision in picking up what I left off 2 years ago.

I shall go back to SLS.

the mixed, the habits and the various unexplained.

2009-08-18T02:26:00.003+08:00

As you can see, today's title is kinda random in every single sense and nearly undecipherable; in the practical sense that you can't make a wack out of it.

Reason for that is actually theres been alot of things in my mind lately, haven't been able to sort them out at all due to unknown reasons.

How do I put it in simple terms? Basically, you feel infuriated, suffocated and exhausted. Your mind's constantly buzzing with alot of thoughts, thoughts that you can't get hold of read them as they swarm around your head.

Not making sense? Hmm, let me think. Basically, theres alot of things going in your mind but you can't get a hold of what are they? Yeah, THAT.

Before I go on and drone about alot of random nonsense that's in my head, I shall give you all something fresh and surprising to go on about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9-CS2v8wcc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7vWPRw9fgQ

Y'all have to watch it in order though, otherwise the effect I wanted on you guys wouldn't be there.

------

Second thing before I jump into that pool of random thoughts, let us all; religious or not, take a minute or two. Pray for those affected by the natural disaster in Taiwan. The typhoon, mainly. (Yes, don't talk about the bad connection. The undersea cables are severed.)

Bless them man. (The victims duh)

-----

Blogging has really becoming a habit for me recently. I'm actually managing 3 blogs! Haha, 2 chinese and 1 english. Why 2 chinese? Well, one is kinda like, the public one. The other is sorta my private journal.

And yes, you could've guessed it. I've blogged quite alot these days in that private blog. But that only helped so little with my random thoughts.

Exams in these 2 weeks. Just settled MOB today. Glad that I've got it over and done with; despite only memorising 3 chapters and reading through another 3 (or so. heh)

--

Ever waking up at any random day, then suddenly feeling the 'you' on the previous day (thats yesterday, duh) is childish?

Recently, I've been getting that alot whenever I wake up on the next day. Not to mention that I've been waking up, with this feeling that theres this sense of emptiness within me. And that hole is ever-growing, sucking my very being into that void.

I've walked to school, walked to place, walked back home. My mind elsewhere, my body on seemingly auto-pilot with destination.

I've also been feeling this, sense of loss. Its kinda unexplainable. I can't put a finger to it, to why did everything suddenly turn out this way. But as you can see, everything seems to be meaningless to me. I seem to lose that very meaning in life. I don't know where I want to go, what I want to do.

I've been looking. Looking for that calling. What I've been placed in this world to do.
Singing? Music? Acting? Business? Healing?

I don't know. Everything that I've tried doesn't seem to be within my means. (In other words, I don't seem to have the talent for it.)

To find out that calling, I even went to sought divine help. (My family's buddhist. I'm a self-proclaimed atheist.)

But if there was any hint given to me. I didn't catch it.

Alright, need to get to bed already. Nearly 3 am, and I've got to wake up at 8 am.

Take care everyone

blog blogging blogged

2009-08-14T23:38:00.002+08:00

It seems that its been quite some time since I've updated the english blog! Haha, been updating alot on my mandarin blog. There are quite alot feelings and emotions that cannot be expressed through english, I think. (Or so, I feel.)

How's everyone? (If theres actually anyone who visits and read up this blog.) I'm somewhere between lost and fine.

My health's gradually recovering. Been sick for the past month. (yes, I'm relying on my own antibodies to recover! No medication!)

First semester of Polytechnic tertiary education is about to end. Just need to go to school for four days for a span of 3 weeks!

As for me. I can find that little willpower to study now. I can feel something (Like, finally!) rousing inside me. That little sense of urgency and willingness to mug.

Been watching dramas lately. And the playing of some games. (Xian Jian 3!)

Been feeling hollow inside of me every since I've done watching the show. I've been really wondering what's going on with me nowadays. I can be on the way to the MRT, and without knowing. I stepped onto the platform of Jurong East, then Dover, then suddenly I reached the school's foodcourt.

Trance, kinda. Or auto-pilot. Haha.

Shall end this post here. Hopefully will update soon!

Blogged in English

2009-08-10T21:09:00.000+08:00

http://www.wretch.cc/blog/wdream

Kinda lazy to even c/p here. HAHA

chronic project disease.

2009-07-26T20:01:00.002+08:00

believe me, even I don't understand my own blog title.

so I was doing up my CA project. I reckon I'm gonna score badly.

its just so tough to find a suitable article man.

haven't been really updating these days.

---

so Friday. Met up with Leroy to go for our designated Eternal Wheel gaming. It was like, AWESOME.

seriously, super fun man. addictive like, WUT.

well. short update, maybe i should update my chinese blog once in every while. LOL

so grow up already.

2009-07-23T08:07:00.002+08:00

'so grow up already.'

one would say, one would think.

that is, whenever one encounters someone who would 'pathetically whine' about a matter that was insignificant to the one they are whining to.

so have they actually thought, all of them that is, that they were just simply on different frequencies?

humans. a species that was said to be created in 'god's image'.

that statement is found in a form of one, or the other, in most religions. (no i'm not about to talk about the differences and similarities of religions).

at this point, only 5% of the human brain is being used.

so have you thought. after generations and generations of mankind. after technological improvements, medical improvements.

how come human have still, only used that 5% of their brainpower?

Mind you, I'm not religious or whatnot. But have you thought that, even though many have tried to understand their counterparts, tried to understand their close ones. or even tried to understand the one they hated so much...

Are they ready to understand them?

Not that understanding people is bad... But when I think about it. Its all mental.

Are they ready to ACCEPT them? To understand, one has to prepare to accept. Why? Because, I believe, no one is simple enough to be showing themselves, and without any form of masks.

Thats like asking you to walk naked in the streets.

Alright, having ITAB now.

So... update soon again, I guess.

are you even ready, to open your eyes?

unfounded lethargy.

2009-07-20T00:17:00.002+08:00

haven't really updated the blog properly these days.

haven't compiled the list of questions for Effective Communication.

now still drawing out the product for IDEAs. (actually, no. As of now, I'm preparing to draw it >.>)

been quite sick lately, and haven't been able to wake up timely even with the help of my alarm clock (ringing for an hour man).

missed school for a day, skipped half a day of school in the last week. sheesh.

a few things I need to get done by tomorrow

1) EC List of Questions

2) IDEAs Product

3) NS Deferment Matters

gosh.. mad rush, mad rush mad rush!

been realising that i'm slowly withdrawing myself into a shell. too tired, too annoyed, too infuriated, too lazy to make any moves, in every sort of things.

I guess I deserve my 'astronomical results'.

well. shall get started on my IDEAs drawing.

chill out peeps.

so, update

2009-07-15T06:35:00.002+08:00

so I'm finally updating.

LOL, can't believe it eh? 6am+ update from me.

well, can't say I don't believe it but.... i slept at 8pm... and woke up at 6am.

and i'm still feeling really tired. omg -.-

haven't been studying lately. scored a measly 58 out of 100 for my statistics >_>

I think I might just really get GPA 2. >_>

Ughhh, Study Wayne, Study!

Been playing DS games lately. Haven't even got around to playing Atlantica, gosh.

Okay, I reaaally have no idea what to blog about today. Still feeling abit woozy.

spendings and exhaustion

2009-07-12T21:27:00.002+08:00

back from event. just gonna do a mental note for myself on how much i spent.

Top - $15+12+10 = 37

48.50+12

wow... ouch. x.x

oh wow

2009-07-09T23:21:00.002+08:00

so certain individual's self-importance are starting to irritate me to the point of feeling like strangling that person.

--------

I think that my spendings for this week is flying high up man.

$15 Hair Dye

$15 Cut Hair

Cos-Necessities: $20

Long Sleeve: $29

Contacts: $49.50

Contacts Solution: $10-15 (not sure which brand i wanna get)

Brow Trimming: $5

Top Up Card: $10 (Yes, for cos I had to top up card and burn my concession. )

Total: $158.50

All awesome man. $160, despite borrowing ALOT of things.

Good thing another $45 is coming in (job paycheck ftw)