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Recently I haven't been feeling all great. I meant it in many ways; physically, and emotionally and probably other forms. Well, I could point out a few of the causes, but what difference would that make? It'll only make me look like I'm whining or ranting. Whines and rants, I think I've grown out of it. Well, apart from the problems the Mum has been throwing at me with her tantrums, things are going quite fine in the house. However, my lack of patience these days due to my irritable mood, not exactly the best combination. Interestingly, I've realized something. Apparently, doing quizzes on FaceBook (bite me, I'm bored) made me realized it. I have no one I can deem as one of my 'close friends'. Good friends maybe, acquaintances (well, duh). But someone who knows me through and through, hangs out with me so many times that I've lost count? None. But of course, the problems lies with myself and not others. My 'motto' is probably the cause of it. "Close enough with everyone, but don't get too involved". I don't know, I did it to remain neutral and -OUT- of politics. Well, for best or for worse, the ones I hang out with nowadays are probably Isaac and Daryl. (No offense) Well, for worse is probably, we all are in different stages of life. What they've been through, lets just say its not what I'm going through now. Our worries and problems are mostly of different levels (not as in difficulty or whatsoever, but of different generations). For the good? I can expect mature opinions from them. They know where to draw the line of having fun and do serious things. On the side note, I think my room reeks of MacDonalds, and my table is in a huge mess. About time to clean up. Ah shit, I lost my train of thoughts. Oh well. Whatever it is. I should probably go out and take a breather some day.
Moral of the story, I'm in an irritable mood, I grew extremely irritated of some dude's usual antics (Don't get me started on him. I'd rant). Well, and basically I'm highly irritable these days.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Have you ever been in a conflict where you brood over something where you have already thought of solutions to solve, but caught in a dilemma of not knowing which solution to apply? It can be incredibly frustrating. It really is. Having to choose something that sounds 'right to others', and something that is 'right to you' can be very torturous. In my case, it really depends on whether the object of concern. Where some of my ideas are in sync with the 'politically correct', but other times.... Meh, I don't know. Been re-watching some other dramas stored in my hard-drive. Made me think of stuffs that I've already thought about. -- In other news, bla bla bla bla. Ehh, I'm done with 'trying to create chances and coincidences'. I think there are certain things, if they are meant to be, they'll fall into places naturally. What I can do, is wait and see how things goes. -- Kinda freaked out lately. I can't seem to express myself much while blogging. Must be the brain juices being drained out or something. That, or because I usually don't blog about daily happenings and only uses the blog as a platform to pen down my ideals. -- I also think that it's pretty interesting to read up some of my older blog posts. Though they all seem angsty. Well, thats about it today.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Although my comfortable bed beckons and just looking at it tempts and lulls the two windows on my face to shut, I shall pen, or rather in this situation, write, down my various random thoughts that flash past my mind today. I think I recovered pretty well already. From what? From wallowing in self-pity. Indeed, my outstanding results (in the negative way) have gave me a slap across the face in my mind's eye. Such dejection, just from knowing that, is a huge wound to myself. Indeed, complacency will be my very undoing. However, I find it... pointless. Not in studying, definitely. But rather, pointless in brooding about what has happened, or contemplating what -could have- happened. (Such as I could have scored GPA 4.0 or something) I mean, sure, you can feel remorse for whatever you do, you can reprimand yourself inwardly for all the mistakes you've committed. But definitely, even if you do not forgive yourself, you have to face it. What's happened, has happened. There is no way for us to turn the time back just to simply amend our mistakes or relive the moment or memories that we want. If there are things that you don't like about your environment now, there are only two things you can do. 1) Change, be it yourself, or find a way to influence your environment to change. 2) Endure and bite the bullet. The time for a new environment will definitely come. Whatever it is, I shall stop being so complacent and lazy (mostly lazy actually). Studying shall be one of my priorities from now on, and I'll set these goals, of at least being capable of entering a local university. And the me from tomorrow, will inherit these goals I set today. - Some people just doesn't change. Yes, I change the topic real quickly. I think I've given up on certain individuals. More than a year of lecturing and nagging is wasting my time, energy and breath. Since they refuse to do anything about it, I'm not obligated to help anymore. - These few days, been kinda busy, kinda not. Stayed over at Isaac's place to crash some games. Pretty interesting and had some chat over. I think exchange insights aren't bad at all. - I need to re-collect my thoughts. So Wayne shall sign out from here. Jya
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I think I should be receiving words from the Nobel awards soon or something. Like, congratulations, you've been nominated for your astounding achievement of astronomical value in your GPA or something. And my aching body isn't good too. Just break camp, can't say I totally enjoyed the camp. Tiring, repetitive and, well, meh. I think I will be settling a lot of administration stuffs soon. And as a results from being really distracted from my blogging, I forgot what to blog. Anyway, results wise. I think I've already anticipated it, so I can't say I'm affected to the point where I'm feeling sad or that kind of shit. Whatever it is, I think its better to plow forward and see how it goes. Wow, optimistic view from a pessimist. Well, thats all folks. I'm alive.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Everyone has some, mine? Pretty major. Along with the usual people know me for being, such as temperamental, guai lan by stages (bad mood or tired, worse), and many more. But the one I'm most bothered by? My incapability to talk to someone else, someone new, someone whom I'm not on close terms with. Honestly, I don't really mind -anyone- talking to me, even strangers. Because I'm the sort of person where I find it hard to converse with people I'm not used to. Why? Because I'm really blunt, and too straightforward. A fatal flaw in terms of knowing people. And also, I don't like to sugar coat, which makes it worse. LOL So, well, people whom I'm not very close with, I'm not socially awkward, I'm just keeping my mouth shut just in case you took my jokes and bluntness the wrong way. On a side note, today was an interesting training. I think I'm addicted to dancing to Korean songs. lol I've tried to start, but you might have thought the same thing as I had. Why don't you try it this time?
I don't think I need to explain. Pretty easy to understand.
So I know that I don't have to be reserved about it.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A little continuation from my, er, half-assed update yesterday. Well, as of now, I still feel as half-assed. Every thing's pretty routine again. Can't really put a finger to whether I preferred going to school or having holidays. I mean, its better for me cause I hate going to school, but I want to be occupied with things, and possibly, fun too. -Shrugs- Well, that aside. At least I've got a lot of things to do tomorrow, like camp session tomorrow, and meeting up with the usuals. Think passive Wayne will remain as passive. Thats better. I grew tire of this cycle, I should just, ionno, take a break or something. Gah, whatever.
Here I am, sitting before my laptop, tapping onto the keys monotonously. With the cable television distracting me. Haha. Its incredibly... dull, and everything seems to be repeating itself again and again. I guess theres nothing I can do, it seems like I'm living my life pretty aimlessly. -- We're from different walks of life Just strangers brushing shoulders I guess its pretty insane to see random people saying hello to each other. -- I think I've really got so distracted by the movie that I totally forgot about the things I wanted to blog about. -- Ah well, shall leave it for next time.
Waking up everyday, feeling lethargic is certainly a bad sign. Its back to the unhealthy lifestyle of waking at funny and lousy timing. This is bad, its as if I'm living aimlessly everyday. And with the releasing of results on the 24th coming closer (and the eventual bad news of forward module), I can hardly get a grip on myself. It feels as if everything is going in reverse flow of against what I wanted. Well, I know I brought it upon myself, but it wouldn't hurt to rant a little, would it? -- Well, putting that aside, the weather these days are very tempting. Rainy eh? Certainly a good weather to sleep in. (Just that I've always woke up at screwed up timing, sleeping anymore would make me a koala bear. lol) -- I wonder. How come different people from different country can have such a huge difference in perception on a person? The Japanese students I bring around Singapore always have such a positive perception on me that I find it hard, not to blush. But of course, the same reaction I get from both Singaporeans and Japanese never failed to amuse me. Whenever they asked the question, on whether I have a girlfriend. I answered 'No', and they'll be surprised. Then they'll ask whether if I had any ex-girlfriends. Answering truthfully will make them doubt me. It just, feels damn hilarious. -- Well, even I -want-a girlfriend. Thats a given, I'm 19 this year, and not having one almost make me stick out as if I'm borderline gay. I'm not. Its just that, I feel that if we don't bide our time and choose wisely (well, 'choose' may sound vulgar, but I can't really think of any words more suitable for now), we may be very well wasting our time, money and energy. Well, maybe its just me. But I'm the sort that wants an everlasting relationship, so definitely, I'll take my time and see, whether the girl in mind can really click well. I need someone whom I can confide in, and definitely strong enough emotionally. -- Well, putting those asides. I shall go and take a shower and play my PS3. I can't help but feel drained out in the brain department. Maybe I'm not feeling so expressive today. Ja.
Many things will be happening soon, such as the training for this year's Freshmen Orientation Camp, the preparation camp and the camp itself. But I don't... really feel much about it. I can't feel any excitement or what not. Why so? I don't really know, it could partially be caused by the lethargy the job has caused. I'm kinda worn out these days. Like, even if I'm resting today, I'm already feeling tired; at 9 pm, seriously. Another probable reasons would most likely be due to me knowing that I wouldn't score very well for my entire year's worth of examinations. My GPA surely would sky rocket, the other way round. -- Regarding the Japanese job. It feels like we're underpaid some times, coupled with the extremely exhausting footwork under the cruel hot sun and sometimes totally boring or unappreciative students, you would hardly find it satisfying. If we were well paid, at least we'd feel good at the end of the day, no matter what kind of students we get. -- Besides all this ramblings. I think its time I put some interesting bits of things I've found out from YouTube. Y'all who sees this post should really take a look at this video. Okay, tired person should stop trying to post
There are a lot of things that I've said, many wrongs, very little rights. Between life experiences, and between the things that I've learnt through 1st hand information (via friends, regarding their various experiences). When I was younger, I thought that everything had an absolute result; just like 1+1= 2. I found myself proven wrong, again and again. Why? I realized that humans and life itself, is a never-ending mystery. The beauty of life, is the woes and happiness that we encounter. It is the very contrast that gave meaning to melancholy and bliss. A simple example (as usual, it may not make sense): Assuming you've only ate bitter food for all your life, and eat bitter gourd as if its like your daily supplements of rice. Then, you've tasted sweet, sugar, and everything else. Only then, you'll realize how bitter, a bitter gourd really is, and how sweet, is the sugar is. That aside, please. If you've read my previous posts, or rather, any posts. Just take them as reading a person's rants. I merely pen down whatever that came onto my head. --- Random thoughts aside, I've been worn down a lot lately. 3 consecutive days straight of work isn't easy, Japanese students or not, enjoyable or not. Its all tiring. Politics aplenty. Enough thoughts today. Real tired.
Haven't really got around to practicing the piano lately. Does that mean that it was just a passing... as the Chinese say, in direct translation, 3 minute passion? I'm not really sure. But I think if I'm determined enough to starve myself for nearly 2-3 months to get myself a digital piano, I'd say its well passionate enough about something. (Definitely not the slight obsession or infatuation) Unfortunately, I'm not able to put in through my thoughts intellectually, or some would say in a 'linguistic' way. So mind my inability to express in colorful phrasings. There are many things in life I'd like to achieve. So many dreams, so many goals. I wanted to be a policeman when I was young, but I'm never athletic. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in secondary school, but I never was... capable, or smart enough. I wanted to go into business, however I'm never able to think out of the box, never unconventional enough. I wanted to learn piano when I was really young, my parents forbade it. I wanted to be a singer when I was in secondary school, my parents forbade it once again. I went against their wish, funded my own vocal lessons with Ocean Butterfly. It never went as well as I thought. I struggled and struggled. Until I realized, I'm not talented enough. Others would always like to encourage the rest, hard work always reaps benefit, or you reap what you sow. I beg to differ. "Hard work is the path leading to opportunity. But opening the door of opportunity is one thing, getting it is another." Maybe many would disagree, but I never intend to foist my qualities unto others. Although I dislike to bring up an analogy like this, but I guess I have to. Assuming theres this person, we dub him/her as "A". "A" worked really hard, studied really hard. And in the end, "A" got an L1R4 of 18 points. Yes, you'd think its unfair and "A" deserved better for that hard work. You thought that hard work really reaps. But have you thought that, if "A" didn't worked that hard at all, maybe "A" wouldn't have gotten that 18 points at all? No, I wasn't trying to say whether "A" is smart or not. We're just saying that the door of opportunity sometimes isn't as easy to get as you think so. Maybe I'll end up offending people, or people may end up thinking I have an elitist mindset, I don't, mind you. I just feel that. If you keep thinking that, oh, hard work is gonna get me results. Then I think thats just wrong. Theres a flaw with that logic, I'd call it the paradox. Well, maybe I'll just present the obvious. "Practice makes Perfect" You may not link to it, but at least you realize, whatever sagacity the ancient philosophers possess, it belonged to their era. It may not work with the present. On the other hand, Fate. Some believes that Fate has etched their destinies before their birth, and blindly accepted it, refusing to make changes to their plight, their state. And remained stagnant, remained stationary. Some refuses to believe that Fate has etched their destinies. They strongly believed that they have the power to change their own destinies. I say they are both wrong. Type 1, they relied too much on luck, coincidences and blamed their failures and things that doesn't went as planned on "Bad Luck", or "Fate". And I meant everything. Type 2, they may very well end up as one of the few most egoistic people in the world. But little do they know that they can't manipulate "luck". A string of coincidences is luck, a domino effect of coincidences is a Miracle. But they seem to think that they can plan things out. Lets just face it, things may never go as well as planned. Many of you may have experienced this first hand, we usually call it the "Murphy's Law". Why do I say they are both wrong? There are no extremes for this cases, yes thats really funny, coming from an extreme person like me. I think there are certain things are definitely rolled into places by destiny. But its up to you whether you roll into the same places as 'destiny' or 'fate' rolled you into. Don't understand? Its a very simple term called 'choices'. I can't seem to find the right words to put it in. But lets just say this: Ah, thats a huge number of choices presented to you. But what you end up doing, especially things that are incredibly predictable by your nature or personalities, is the things we called 'etched by fate'. Its a very complex theory I thought, and its not at all complete. So I wouldn't be surprised if many people found flaws in this, explanation I made. But its okay. Even if I were to be proven wrong, I'll just figure life works. Because thats the beauty of life. If everyone were to achieve an Utopia on earth itself. Full of fun and laughter. Wouldn't life be miserable? I'm no sadist, nor masochist. But I don't find life full of ups and no downs interesting. Really out of brain juices now. I think I can very well endlessly go on with this. Heh
As the heading goes, I went crashing over at HCJC today. Quite an interesting trip, with many guai lan moments with the two dudes who 'hosted' me today. All in all a good trip though. Reached there, head over to Coronation Plaza, waited for a bit then met up with the guys. Still must thank them though, they aren't really obliged to accompany me to see and talk shit. Oh, I forgot to fill this in. I went to the school to watch some event plays. DramaFest, was it? Think so. After some time thinking alone (I had a LOT of that time to do that during the plays), I thought it's pretty cool. The school has pretty much school spirit. I liked it. Come to think of it, Polytechnic.. Although its always free and easy (apart from projects, assignments and tests), there isn't really anything as close as a united school. And I really preferred wearing a school uniform, though the downside of going to JCs meant that our hair are pretty much the default ones. Gah, I ran out of brain juices. But today was definitely fun and interesting.
And I pretty much got it already, unless its not what I thought.
routine.
1:37 AM
Sunday, March 14, 2010
get a grip.
2:16 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
lethargy and unfeeling.
9:04 PM
i made more cents than sense
12:28 AM
Saturday, March 6, 2010
a burning passion or passing flicker?
11:57 PM
"Nobody is Perfect"
"If you have $10, what would you do?"
the crashing of the uniformed society.
1:09 AM