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But the truth is. Thinking too high of yourself without even known reasons is really humiliating, not to me, but to yourself. For someone who acts like royalty without even regal grace is purely full of shit in my books. And thats all you deserve, a small paragraph in whats pissing me off. Right now I'm just irritated. Like what the hell is with this whole entire nonsense. A small gathering that I was looking forward to; from 6 people to 10, then now 14. I was already struggling to handle 10. I mean, some of us are looking forward to bond with the usuals. Then you throw in some people whom we are not close with, how are we gonna be up front with our own personal stuffs? I'm not a person who's an introvert and hate meeting new people. But we wanted this outing is to keep the bonds that we're already struggling to maintain. Adding more people doesn't make it any more 'merrier' or 'fun' in my books. Call me an asshole, but thats what I think. If I offend anyone in the process, I do apologize. But this is not something where you can face to face and talk to a random person about. There are other things that are weighing down my mind now. But I shall stop the quill and leave it as it is; in my head. There are just sometimes I really feel like shouting out my frustrations and keep myself alone by the seaside.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Just received news from my brother, he told me that my grandfather from my father side has passed away yesterday.
Heard it, was shocked and stunned for several seconds; like all dramatic.
He looked at me quizzically and said "Why do you look so shocked?"
Yeah, true enough. We've nearly never see him for all our life. And honestly speaking, I have no idea how my grandfather looked like, I mean sure. We've seen him a few times(hence, nearly never saw him before), but at least I've completely forgotten how he looked like.
But still, I can't help but feel a little tinge of sadness. I mean, whatever happened, whatever it is, hes still the father of my Dad. There are certain bonds that cannot be cut or changed just because you willed it.
Bottom line, I guess I'll be attending the wake with my brother, maybe secretly.
This whole month has been a whirlwind of experiences for me. Camp trainings to bond the facilitators, choreographing dance (not really choreographing, but meh), practicing dances, the preparation camp, the official Freshmen Orientation Camp, and of course, the Freshmen Orientation Program. All these has really been an eye opener.
But of course, I've made a lot of acquaintances and good friends. I think I'm really lucky to be blessed with my two lovely partners. They really took care of me when they also can't take take care of themselves (haha!), but of course, I tried my best to take care of them and look out for them. So at least its mutual!
I won't say anymore for campers, I just hope that they all enjoyed their camps and programs and that I haven't been a bad leader (GL or whatsoever) in both activities. I tried to spice up things a little bit for the Fantasy cluster, but I guess I'm not good enough >:
I hope the bonds we've made in these few weeks will last... For even if it didn't, it will always be part of me, kept as memories and things that I will smile and laugh about when I look back at the photos.
Thats all for today.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I seriously think this year, I'm damn fortunate. FOC and FOP, I've been blessed with two very blur, but very nice/caring/considerate partners. I think without them, I'll most probably be still grousing over things depressingly or pessimistically.
I won't really say what they did or said. But you two know who you are! Really thanks alot, appreciate it. (If I ever took the effort to blog about it, it really matters. ;p)
Okay, waves of lethargy is overwhelming me.
With this, I end the post
Monday, April 12, 2010
I think I'm at it again. To make it worse, I'm feeling sick.
As of now, I'm just writing on and on and on without any idea where this blog post is going to. I guess I can call this freedom writing. As of now, I'm actually having my forehead on the table and typing or lashing out at the keyboard at whatever that comes into my mind.
I don't know. Seems that everything's going all the way to the trash. I can't really call this a bad luck. Just... meh.
Ever felt unappreciated? I think I just mentioned this the last post. But I guess it just keeps coming back over and over again.
I feel like, something comparable to an instant noodle. Only eaten when needed, when you don't need it, you just stash it aside, for some rainy day where you'll need it again.
That kind of feeling really sucked. Its just the old things repeating over and over again. When they need you, they come looking for you, when they don't, they kick you aside like you didn't matter.
Its just feels fucked up.
Worse of all. It seems that everyone else can replace this 'friend' you are.
And its just funny, how easily others seem to be able to replace you; how much effort they've put in compared to you, how much different and how much you really gave a damn.
I guess in the eyes of the beholder, it varies. And Wayne is always the zimbabwe dollar.
Whatever it is. I think I've given up on everything.
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I'd ask myself, what kind of person am I? Because honestly, if I don't know myself.
Whatever it is. Let it all out.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I'm not a saint, I'm not perfect.
I've strengths and I've definitely have more weaknesses.
I have no understanding in this. I find myself being taken for granted over and over again, times and times again. (Yes, I have the tendency to say redundant things in different form, so bite me.)
I don't know man. I don't know anymore. I just seem to break rather easily with all these pent-up stresses. And it feels incredibly fucked up feeling unappreciated. Yes, couple that with all that shit things I've to settle now, you get one fucked up Wayne.
I don't know. Its just, everything just 'goes wrong' because I'm moody. My 'dark thoughts' seems to break out from it's space and just invade every single thing I see. Every sentence, every movement every observation, I seem to pick something negative to think about.
Urgh, things are just fuzzy and all weird now.
Guess today's post is just up to here. I need a timeout.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Before I start with the blog post, I've to say I'm -slightly disappointed- that our cluster did get as high as Phantom or Devils. But nonetheless, I'm glad that at least all our Fantasy campers are enthusiastic! Day 0 Nothing much to say here. I reached school at 12, and did a little bit of practice of the dancing and the facils all sharing their 'ghost stories'. Lights out at supposedly 3 am. But after much flipping around, me, Abel, Eric and Riz decided to go down and take a little walk. In the end? We four ended up lazing around and chat till 7. Before we headed for shower. 'Day 1' Officially day 1 la! Breakfast was decent, but I was beginning to tire, and my appetite was bad, and had instances of nausea. Then briefing here and there (I think), then registering of campers. I swore, me and a few got so high, we really started doing stupid stuffs and looking stupid. But hell, it was funny. After that, small introduction, running here and there. Ice breakers, zonal challenge. Basically, everything else la. One thing is, I'm super glad that my 'Avatars' all so enthusiastic, they all already had a cheer ready even before the zonal challenge. <3> After dinner, is discussing Gala Night. Taught them Gee! Haha, its fun in the gay way, but LOL. Then night walk. Facils all shared Ghost Stories, but sometimes atmosphere ruined ah ): okok, I seem to be writing in a 'broken' form. But meh, whatever works. Day 2 Breakfast, dirty games, wet games, Gala night. I've to say one thing, I felt super stressed about Gala Night. We last minute changed the song to "Mister". But okay la, damn proud of Avatars. All memorized the dance steps within 1 hour. Then its disco night. Me, Mel, John, Susan, Yu Duan went back to take a shower. Talk cocked with the cluster 3,4 and 2 girls (and some 3 and 4 guys) in the girls bunk. Hopefully they didn't find us too fail ah. >: LOL
Day 3, nothing much. Except one thing "For the Zonal Challenge; in third place" I swear that the whole Avatar was thinking "Aiya, confirm not us win one." Then Tony went "From Fantasy, Avatar." LOL, you should have seen Avatars expression and reaction. All went "Huh?!"
Okay, really broken up updated, but its just like, several time lines here and there. Ultimately, I think the facils all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly for the camp;albeit tiring and exhausting, but hey, whatever works.
Went back to facils bunk to write warm fuzzy at 4 plus. Wrote till 6.30, totally ko'd
Haha, epic moments.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Had an overnight outside with the usuals yesterday over at City Hall. Playing games on my laptop is somewhat interesting and hillarious in a way.
Woke up fairly late today, what, 7.40 pm? Had this sense of loss somehow. I can't quite put a finger to what it is, but its definitely not because I don't have goals or whatsoever.
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Okay, lost my train of thoughts on what I wanted to write. But all in all, the feeling of being loss in direction sucks.
Jya