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It seems that somehow, by Fate, I chanced upon a friend's video that was spread through the net like a viral video. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but without a doubt, it was a friend from O.B. Its been years, since I've seen them all. I wonder how did I stray from that path. Its been nearly 4 years and all of them have made incredible progress with their dreams, or at least, they are still embracing music. All of them made incredible improvements with their vocals, the good ones became better, and the better ones became really great. -- It really got me to thinking. What have I been doing these years? What made me stopped? Why have I always been giving myself excuses from trying hard? Secondary 3, I was much more naive than ever. But at the very least, I had the strength, courage and motivation to chase after a dream. Now? Nothing. -- Seems that as I grow older and older, I lack more and more motivation. And now I've forsaken the dreams that we all used to share. Nothing more than just to sing for the soul; our soul. Do I stay at the same place? Or do I go back to doing what I loved? --
Monday, October 25, 2010
Been really, really tired these days. I might not be blogging as frequently as during the holidays now. Depression struck again when I was unguarded for less than a few minutes. But of course, depressing posts should really keep out of the public sight. So of course I have another blog for these (Y). At any rate, its really tiring these days. Along with the suddenly mood-swing, it'll be hellish to go on. Exhaustion.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Its been quite a few days since I blogged eh? Guess after the school has reopened, I've been so busy that my brain stopped processing as feverishly as usual. Insomnia is hardly a problem now that I tire out after school ends. Still, random thoughts and exploration hardly stops even during breaks. Most of the time, I eat alone, voluntarily. I don't know why, but somehow I've grown accustomed to eating alone. It just feels more 'right'. And of course, when you're alone, you get to think of all the random things. Which of course, led to certain imagination and pondering of very... 'fantasy' based things. Such as where do people go when they pass away, whether if theres really "Hell"/"Hades" or "Heaven". Or if people pass away, they become a star in the sky. I know, its very random. But probably distracting enough for me to ponder for an hour or more to explore the novelty of that idea. -- School has really been a crazy wreck. New week and its something of an "orientation". Early releases and everything, but I'm already tired. Next week and afters might actually be crazy and packed with assignments. But of course, being busy has been very effective with keeping certain thoughts at bay. -- Apart from school work, I've got several games to finish, a new novel to read (actually, I'm already halfway through), and more people to talk to. I realized that it's really been a long time since I've contacted some people; its about time to catch up with them. -- - Giving up isn't easy. I know I've been on this for quite awhile. But I realized it really isn't easy. No matter how busy you are, how much you try to distract yourself, it still won't work. Bury it deep down and when you unconsciously thought of that, it just pops up and stick out like a sore thumb. I think. This is about it. Will update soon again I guess. -- Sometimes I just wish At least, a platform for me to see whats going on. For it is painful Just to not see or talk to you Not knowing anything going on with you Is more than just a torture.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
At least not till 4 am. So I went to school for only one lecture, and headed to City Hall, alone. -- Somehow, it just feels good go for a walk by myself. Sure, it feels lonesome and everything. But it just feels good. Without having anyone to break your train of thoughts, walk at your own pace, and watch where your feet leads you. And its also good for you to sort things out. -- Me being a hermit seems to withdraw myself out from the family. I've not talked to them for a very long time. To be honest, I'm just acting out very subconsciously. I have no idea why am I acting like this too. And, I know that I'm resisting a lot from talking to her. And that despite all these efforts to make those feelings die down. Its not really working anymore. Maybe within a year, with those effort, maybe it'll disappear, or just get buried. But I guess I'm resisting that as well. Its no longer a case of "can or cannot", but rather "want or don't want". I'm... really conflicted right now. I don't know what should I do. *sighs* -- 最近の天気は大変だ だから、君の体お大事にね？ -- A song for everyone, its a song that I keep looping and its really beautiful. (Y)
Skipped two tutorials today, all because I overslept. Insomnia struck yesterday, along with two ruckus at different timing that always snap me out of half-asleep state, I can't fall asleep at all.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Life is finally picking up it's pace. I'm no longer having the the silhouette of her image in my mind anymore. I'm really putting in conscious efforts to try and forget, and move on. But of course, things like this isn't as easy as I say. Something like this isn't even possible or achievable in the first place. Maybe I'm just putting up a brave front, or simply just decided subconsciously to bury these deep inside. Why do I say that? Simply because though I stopped thinking consciously and everything. Every time theres something that reminds me of that person, or the thought simply appeared out of nowhere, theres this pain inside. Its.. really excruciating. Every time when I think of the days where we can have a good conversation without me worrying of anything, and the days we have a good conversation. It even brings back then, the days where I truly felt like being myself and enjoyed myself. -- It sounds like I'm weak sometimes, always looking back. I know damn well that life's nothing if we only looked back and reminisce, or be too damn focused about the future. Life's about living the moment, having an aim for future, and embracing the past. -- But of course, bad dramas aren't all that is to life. I believe that, no matter how much bad drama happens, it doesn't matter. There is so much in life to live for, so much to achieve, so many smiles to see. If I can reach out to them, I will. Life isn't just about bad dramas. Even if given a choice where I'd be born with a golden spoon, have no problems, talented and whatsoever, I'd choose to have a balanced life, with bad dramas. Bad things that happens to us makes us appreciate the good things that happens. Take it as counting your blessings. It is the bad things, that make the good ones stand out, the bad things that happens, makes us appreciate the good ones. Its like, having school work and assignments all the time, but when holiday comes and we go on an overseas trip, we truly appreciate the value of worth it has. -- Everyday I wish for her happiness and safety. Because prayers are the only thing I can do. -- Stupid of me eh. Ah well. \o
School has already reopened for a few days. All I can say is that the schedule itself is tiring me out. And that I really hate Mondays and Fridays. Yeah, so I usually take afternoon naps these days. But its not really helping, seriously. Went out with Luii yesterday. It was fun. For the longest time, I finally managed to do things that I like and enjoy myself like a normal person, without having anything on my mind; just purely enjoy. -- Yeah, so its school again. I've took up a solitude approach to life again. Everything seems to fall back into places as before. Living and doing things alone. Though the thoughts of her weighs me down a lot. This is something new as compared to the semester before. -- Believe me. I know how impossible things are. I'm desperately trying to get out of it. Its not like I'm keeping any filthy hope for things to work out anyway. It kills me in the inside being a situation like that anyway. - Alright. I'll get to watching some shows now. \o
Late for school today. Tutorial starts at 9, and I woke up at 9. Epic. So right now, I'm sitting in the Business Library to burn away the last 30 minutes before the next class begins. And I thought, what an opportunity to write about something that never stopped bugging me when I was trying to sleep. Yeah, insomnia strikes again and I was unable to fall asleep. (I can't fall asleep if the topic isn't exhausted. And without writing it on somewhere, it makes it incredibly difficult to "exhaust the topic".) -- Many people wake up to greet the day with either a smile on their face, frustrations on their brows or simply just 'sian" of whats to come. I woke up to feeling alone. Not physically, duh. Majority of the people sleeps by themselves you know. Its been days, or even a week or two since we've last had a good, proper and engaging conversation. Not that I'm a freak or whatsoever, but somehow, it just feels like forever. -- My entire life, if I were to describe, no one had came close to that sphere I erected around myself. Well, until she came along. Imagine this for a second, if I were to sit in the middle of a huge circle, that circle is the very barrier of the "me". And there'll be this ring that surrounds that circle. That ring, is furthest of most people that ever come close to. We call that circle, the 'friend zone'. (As of now, you can probably imagine something like Jupiter. A ring of dust around the sphere.) Close friends or good friends. They manage to touch just outside the field outside of that circle. Thats where I shut them off. For many reasons that people won't know if I don't tell. And I'm not off shooting my mouth (or in this case, my fingers) about it. She, is the only one that managed to step into that circle. She alone. No one else have managed to done so. Maybe not anymore in anytime soon. But of course, that very circle has many layers to it. -- As people might have guessed. There are a lot of things that I still don't write about. And to be honest, I don't really talk about unspeakable problems in a public domain such as this. In fact, I don't talk about it where it leaves 'evidence' or a trace. What I usually blog about, are considered 'superficial matters'. Where I don't really care about who knows about it. If a stranger knows about it, I'm fine with that as well. Very simply because, I know that the moment I put something on the net, odds that people know about it is sky high. -- Lethargy sinking in. Will update more next time. -- You're the only person who knocked. The only one who stepped in. And yet, when I do the same. You did not answer. Perhaps I do not belong in that circle of yours. Thats what you're trying to say, right? -- この寂しいの世界に 僕は一人で
First day of the Semester today. Lets just say apart from it was tiring, everything went pretty well today. (Except from the 4 hours break ugh) Let me admit something, I didn't sleep enough. Probably like, 4 or 5 hours of sleep. But as soon as I reached home, bonk. I ate early dinner, showered and went to take a nap at like 6, and woke up at 9. -- Containing the thoughts about her is pretty much successful, apart from occasional things that I do that reminds me of the time the group spends time together and of course, her. That, and waking up from sleep and naps, shes always the first to appear in my mind. Ugh. -- Many things awaiting for me to settle this week. Probably been so busy and exhausted that I'm not able to 'think'. Then again, might most likely blog it out if I do. So. \o/
Recently, I've came to a major realization that I really... write a lot these days. No, I already know that I blogged a lot these days. But checking the statistics of my blog posts and the number of words I typed out per update is really insane. More than 25 blog posts in a span of 3 weeks. Yeah. Thats kinda crazy isn't it? -- Sometimes is just difficult to push some matter to the corner of your mind. I've been desperately trying to distract myself. Chatting, reading, watching animes, everything. Just being able to contain your silhouette is tough. Its like theres always this heart-string of mine being strung or pulled at every moment. -- Distractions. I've tried my best to distract myself these days. Looking at youtube videos, trying to get myself to "gien" a PS3 Naruto fighting game. Then I realized, I'm not financially stable yet ever since the Bintan trip. I still have -alot- of financial liabilities. Ugh. -- There'll be many things awaiting for me to do. I hope things will work out fine. There was something bugging me lately, but when I'm finally about to blog it out, it disappears from my mind. Crap. My STM strikes again.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm like a conflicted soul. There are many situations that happened where I'm caught in a dilemma. Two choices, where choosing either makes me feel screwed up in such a way that I don't know if its the right choice, or it just didn't make me feel good about it. This topic about me being conflicted has been floating around in my mind for a few days already. Guess its something that didn't have much development on. Probably because I still feel pretty damn conflicted by thoughts and decisions. -- Part of me wants this whole feeling to die, posthaste. Its really causing me a lot of misery. Yes, I'm controlling a majority of the wild thoughts and negativity now, I'm actually in control. But that doesn't kill the misery or melancholy I feel these days. Part of me wants this to continue on. I don't know why. Even though I know that I'm a person and in a position that my feelings will be completely unrequited. But somehow, it still won't change the way I look at her, nor it won't change the way I feel. Is this some sort of self-owning mechanism or what? Its like I know damn well that this will be a fruitless thought or situation. But its like this heart of mine still won't give up on something thats completely hopeless. This whole span of nearly 3 weeks. I've been behaving childishly. Everything I do don't fit into logic. I became weaker emotionally and mentally; I no longer seem to be able to contain myself and my problems. I became weak in terms of body constitution and appetite. I lost weight, I have bad appetite. I almost hyperventilate when I'm exhausted, stressed and somewhere near her. (Thank god, its very rare that I have camps and I see her at the same time). -- But of course. I'm putting the blame on no one but myself. Just in case that the thought of pushing responsibilities comes into mind when there are actually people reading this. I'm completely to blame for being so weak that I can't control many things about myself. -- Conflicts. Decisions. Thoughts. Many things really tore me inside, and apart, when I'm thinking about these things. Of course, I'm really putting in conscious effort to help myself here. -- Ugh. Sometimes, things aren't just easy as we say it. Sometimes I just curse myself for hoping for something deep inside. Such weakness. Because these just won't go away.
So my previous post was something written in a fit of anger and pretty much what I call "reckless lashing". But I'm not planning to pull it down or anything at all. It sounds pretty angry and everything, but I don't think it's false. Its truly what I thought. But now when I take a look at it, I'm glad I wrote something down like that. Because when I read it again myself, I realized one thing. "Why am I like that? Who am I trying to impress anyway? Why am I so irritated?" I seem to act childishly and everything. I don't see why when my world revolves around someone, it becomes like that. I need to stop. -- Stopped. -- Well. Saying of something is different from doing. But it is something that I've been really trying very hard to do. I've made some progress. I hope it won't be long till I'm 'me' again. Of course, it doesn't mean that I no longer like that particular someone. It just means that I am in control, and not raw emotions that's the boss. -- Because I know very well that I'm not the one.
Sometimes, its like I always say something that makes people interject in a way that as if I'm procrastinating, or simply don't want to do it. Its pretty funny that every time I just end up saying things that people don't like or don't accept. If I'm not included into the conversation, fine. I'll do my own stuff. Then people act like because I have nothing better to do now, I better do something NOW. And somehow it seems like -I'm- the major procrastinator here, when I always try to finish things on time in the group. Wow. Sometimes I really just feels like I don't fit in. Really. I'm just not as talented, not as funny, not as interesting, not as sociable, not as knowledgeable. I know. But I don't care anymore. I keep telling myself, I play the piano for my own soul. -- ..
Pretty much after I'm done blogging yesterday, I headed straight for bed. It's been really, really long since I last lay on the bed and fell asleep immediately. (Well, apart from camps. It's not exactly 'bed' material you know.) Woke up 9 hours later, nearly 10 hours since I knocked out. Well, apart from being really groggy and still feeling kinda tired, I feel good. (Y) Guess exhaustion, anxiety and stress comes together causes irregular breathing/breathing difficulties. I need to make a mental note about that. -- Thoughts. I feel more capable of penning down thoughts now compared to yesterday. Pretty much why I deliberately left the topic half-baked on the previous post. Guess now that I'm more well- rested, I should pick up what I left off. "Love" is really a funny thing isn't it? Well, I can't really say it's "Love" for me since it's one-sided. Mine is more like "feelings". Well, whatever the term, its really a funny thing. It makes you anxious and concerned over that special someone. At the same time, it makes you a paranoid. You tend to think too much, even if you make very conscious effort to stop it. Well, even when you do manage to stop it to a certain extent, you feel a need to talk about it. I'm not sure about anyone else, but I find it a need to have a platform to talk about it. Be it blog, or really close friends, its important. It might be because I'm inexperienced when it comes to this kind of thing. But at least now, I'm faring way better the last week, where many bad things happened to me and I'm practically doing nothing but sitting down there staying depressed. (Y) -- But coming to a realization about your own feelings is a whole different thing. When you stop denying the existence of it in you, and accept that fact, you realized the way you see that special someone changes. When you talk to her, you tend to listen seriously. (Could be a good or bad thing) But you tend to pick up things that doesn't matter at all; over-sensitivity and paranoia symptoms. Positive thing she says, makes your day. Negative thing she says, you get all depressed. This is a part that was pretty difficult for me to handle. But I guess at the very least for now, I'm able to control this. (Y) Everything she does tends to mesmerizes you. Well, at least that happens for me. Maybe the way she sings, the way she plays an instrument, the way she seriously do things. Well, you tend to see her in a more positive light than others. (I know, it kinda sounds stalker'ish.) You tend to want to see her or talk to her frequently. But when you finally see her or talk to her, half of your brain juices disappears. And more than half of it cannot be talked about; because those are your problems or your feelings. This part is the one that I really dislike. -- Well, there are many more things. But I kinda forgot about them. Maybe I'll write about it in future. -- I know my situation well, and that many things are impossible. Even though deep inside me, I wish it was something that at least I can work with. But all I can do now is just keep mum about it. There is no other options. Unfortunately, in my case, its very much one-sided. It is something that shouldn't be talked about I guess. -- Oh, I weighed myself when I walked past the gym in school during camp. I lost weight :O I lost all the weight I gained in Bintan and an additional 2 kg \o/. Then again, it was cause I had bad appetite for the past weeks. Need to start eating regularly. Ugh Well, thats all for now. I pretty much expended my brain juice on this one. Orz.
I've finally reached home after meeting up with the people. Camp was incredibly exhausting. Especially so since I'm desperately trying to distract myself from thinking. Day 0 was a completely retarded day. I mean, when we really need the energy for the next day, a room of sauna temperature is seriously not good. I didn't get any sleep at all. Day 1 was good, because air-conditioning was restored. Through this camp, there isn't much for me to talk about also. Considering that I'm merely just a game master that nobody gives a shit about, and I don't really give a shit about it either. (I didn't want to go for the camp in the first place.) -- Health is definitely turning for the worse. Not only laboured breathing happened this time. I had a lapses where I have difficulty breathing and that I very.. nearly fainted when I was hanging out with the family earlier. (Not biological family, people whom I deem as, or see as one.) Slight leg injury, and bad health. Honestly, had I stay any longer at the place, I might very well faint on them. Something that I do NOT want happening. Simply because, I don't want them to be worried about something as minor like this, and it'll very much ruin their fun. And, its not like I've been living an unhealthy lifestyle. Apart from day 0, I slept at 12.30 am on day 2, and woke up at 7.20 the next day. Very damn well healthy. Plus, I ate rather regular meals and forced myself to eat even though I had bad appetite. Even at home, I've been forcing myself to eat, sleep at proper timings and everything. -- I'm just glad that I wasn't making any big actions or movements, and that I was insignificant enough that people don't notice anything odd about me. Thats really a relief. I thank god for my long hair, that practically covered my face when I was trying to regulate my breathing. -- I'm tired of trying to distract myself, I'm tired of trying to remove her from range of sight, I'm tired of trying to kill those feelings. It simply didn't work. All that camp distraction happened and it didn't do a single thing to distract me at all; I was very enthusiastic and extremely 'on' during camp, so it wasn't me not trying to help myself. My gut feeling is that she knows what I feel for her, but simply just acting oblivious so that it doesn't get awkward. Its a guess, but it might be very true. -- Doesn't matter at all though. 2 weeks. Countless of experimenting. I tried my best to stop myself from chatting with her. I tried to distract myself. I tried many things. It simply did not work. I guess when they say, when feelings like this really comes, how you try to hide from it won't help. I know that she reads my blog. But I've been blogging so frequently these days, I may very well just end up spamming this post to the bottom. I don't think she reads THAT frequently. -- Its pretty darn sad that whenever she makes a face, or a comment and that I'm suppose to give a response, all I could do was just to simply force a smile. For I fear that I may be too obvious with my response that she may find out. Its hard to hide your care and concern for someone. Its something that just occurs to you subconsciously, but you just very consciously tries to hide it. Its really difficult. Its also difficult to draw a line between boundaries. Thats especially so when I'm very much clouded by my feelings. Which is pretty much why I try to stay expressionless, unimpressed or just tried to be less responsive. -- If one day, she ever chances upon this post. I guess I want her to know that I still see her as a very important friend that I don't want to lose her, no matter how strong my feeling for her is. And that, I'll never confess this feeling to her. Because I know that this is simply an unrequited feeling on my part; its just simply impossible for the two of us. -- Maybe this will go on for years. For the most minor of case that this happened lasted for a year. This one time, I guess I'm just really unlucky; for me to have such a strong feeling that all the previous ones put together still pale in comparison. There are so many things that I really want to say. But my position just mutes me so.
So right now I'm tapping on the keys on my iPhone. This is kinda crazy as it is incredibly difficult to blog with only two fingers even against the landscape keyboard. Then again, I guess I do have things on my mind to blog about (or just vent about, really). Its 1.40 am in the morning now. I grow concern about my deteriorating health. Now that the Mum pointed it out to me, I grew conscious about it and really noticed it. Apparently other than my lack of appetite these days (4 days and all I ate was two slices of pizza and a bowl of fish noodle), I have laboured breathing now. Luckily my appetite these days wasn't as bad as the past week though. I actually finished a packet of food in camp today \o/. Well, the lack of appetite's problem is solved now, so that part isn't that worrying anymore. Insomnia has always been problem in the past. I'm glad that nowadays, as long as I blog about stuffs that's in my head swarming, I'd have a lot easier time falling asleep. So that's a huge problem minimized to a smaller one. Though it couldn't have been done with the help of a friend (Y) Well. Right now basically I'm still awake for various reasons. Stuffy and warm room and I'm feeling slightly feverish to boot. But at least isn't something that's THAT worrying. Fluids and a good rest will solve the problem. School administrative matters are also settled. The very fact that I can use the school Wi-Fi with my ID account means that my name is back on the list. Time table should be on the way and fees are thing of the past. The Mum also seems to take my advice. She and my brother were talking about something yesterday; work related. But at least it's a good development. Family matters shouldn't be that worrying anymore. She actually asked me out along to go to her friend's open air lounge. It's okay. They asked me if I want to work as a bartender; an option I might consider. Oh, and interesting fact: my mum actually didn't object me to drinking alcohol (that and I told her that I exercise moderation and in control, as I very rarely drink alcohol). She actually refilled my mug with beer. Which is really an interesting and amusing sight to watch. -- Actually, listening to music in a quiet room full of people and blogging away isn't a bad experience. I'm like looping songs like "My Hands", "Dearly Beloved", "Why", "Suna no Oshiro", "Still Doll", "Every Time You Kissed Me", "期待爱＂, "Shiori", "To Zanarkand" and more songs.I highly recommend the songs I mentioned to anyone who bothers reading his blog. Open your mind towards these songs and you'll come to appreciate them. -- Mum heard of my thoughts on changing course. She had a very big reaction to it as it was very far from home. But of course, they have nothing to say if that were really my decision. I mean, even though I made my decision, I am still thinking about it seriously as it isn't a joking situation. The elder brother also seem slightly against it. He said that what I study diploma isn't what I would necessarily pursue as a career anyway, and that I can always get a degree from SIM or simply just study in a good university overseas (Ivy League Universities). But because of my inadequate grades for Polytechnic, I'll need to take a bridging course. (Or so says the brother) -- Studying overseas was always something I wanted to do in the past. If I were younger, I'd be really excited at the prospect. Unfortunately, this isn't the case now. I guess there are a lot of things that I cannot bear to let go now. Important people in my life, important friends in my life, important things to do in my life.And maybe, just maybe, I'm wanting to take a new course might be me unable to let go of certain things. It's another 2 years to NS anyway. -- I congratulate myself for the perseverance in continue my record of WOT journal entries even on iPhone. Alright, that's all from the feverish Sagittarius today. And because iPhone doesn't allow me to change the fonts, size and colours. I apologise if you guys have to squint your eyes to read this.
Since a friend talked about how many things in life can be amazing. It got me to dig up a very dusty topic in the far ends of my mind. I guess I never really got around to penning down my thoughts. (No, as usual. I don't contribute to the conversation. My thoughts, I feel they are unimportant and useless anyway.) So hear my pleas, if you're not interested, please don't even bother to come around to my blog. It will always contain on how I feel or have opinions on certain thing. If you think that walking into something that seems to be "the inner surface" of someone, then don't bother. Why I don't keep it private? Thats because I have nothing to hide. --- Years ago, me and some friends were discussing on how amazed we are on reproduction. How a sperm and an egg can develop into us, how something so small has limitless potential. Limitless potential? What do I mean by that? Its like, we grow up to be a person, and how every single one of us are different in such a way that its nearly difficult to have someone in this world that acts, thinks, experiences the exact same thing as us. -- Besides experiences, its difficult to have similar opinions towards everything, or towards a certain thing. And interestingly, the brilliants of minds, no matter how much their opinions differ, can seek solace in each other where the skies the limits in discussions. Often, it is thought that only people who has a lot of things in common are only able to hit off well. And that people with differing opinions will always end up as enemies, or nothing more than friends. I personally have seen people with differing opinions hit off well and became good friends. People with different backgrounds that mixed well with the other. -- Mind, body, soul. Its amazing no matter how you look at it. How we can go to sleep and wake up the next day. How we can think differently even if we were all placed in the same situation and come out with different results. How our hearts just keeps beating until one day it dies out. Even more amazingly, how the heart; a huge piece of meat/muscle can ache whenever we feel sad, and how it literally feels heavy when you're not in the mood. -- Its also amazing how the will of a person can change a situation in such a way that it was deemed impossible. Like how a mother will do anything to protect her baby. And yet, when the mind and the heart doesn't synchronize in the way that both are going in separate ways; between what the person really feels, and what the person wants, it hurts so much that it can really drive them crazy. -- Marvels of the world. How the Pyramid was built or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, a building of marvel and beauty that was lost and only recorded in the history. Many things. But for now, my mind is in such a mess that I can't organize my thoughts. Maybe I'll update this post later. -- Sometimes even though I'm in the conversation. I have nothing to say. For every time I say something, seems to fuel your irritation. And that whatever he says, always are an object of interest.
Distractions. Distractions. Distractions. Distractions. I need to distract myself from negativity. I need to distract myself from negativity. *Sighs* I did my best, forcing myself to play some new DS games that I've got. But somehow it just didn't work out very well. Looked for songs, looked for lyrics to tag onto the songs so that I can read them on iPhone if I'm bored. Didn't took very long. Its like, I don't have the mood to do everything. -- Appetite. To be honest? I don't have any appetite at all. All I'm doing is forcing myself to take lunch. I can't believe I nearly felt like puking after finishing a bowl of porridge. Wow. -- Camp tomorrow. Don't even feel up for it. Didn't look forward to it, don't feel excited about it. But I promised my attendance, so I gotta go. -- Its like a huge difference. The way I'm spoken to, the way others are spoken to. I might be thinking all negative, I'm trying my best to stop it. It just didn't work out too well. - Lethargy. I curse my ignorance to your pain.
There are many things in life that involves choices. From simple thing like choosing what to have for breakfast, to life-changing decisions like the kind career you wish to pursue, the type of degree you want to major in. You can choose to be indifferent to people, you can choose to warm up to people, you can choose to share your problems with people; the list is simply endless. But of course, opening up to a particular person is a sign of trust itself. But, you don't necessarily have to share your problems to that person, even if you trust him or her. It all depends on the way people work. Some just aren't forthcoming with their own problems, while others don't feel bothered by sharing their troubles. --- Life is full of ups and downs. I liken life to driving. Being lost in life's direction, being lost in what you want to do, lost because of dejections, lost because of goals that doesn't seem to matter, or achievable; these are all detours. Its fine to be lost, to not know where to go. But ultimately, you still need to find yourself back onto the main road and keep on driving. What about friends? What about advices and suggestions? Friends are like the friends you go on with on a road trip. Advices and suggestions from them are simply them pointing to the sign boards as to where to go, where to head on. But ultimately, you're still the driver, you choose where to go. - As long as someone consider you as a friend, it doesn't take knowledge of quantum physics or rocket science to understand that theres something wrong with you. Indifferences, your tone, your lack of interest; everything. Even on the net, that is still very easily detectable. How do they know? Because they care. They might not be straightforward and go like, "Hey, are you alright?". But they know, and they care. People have to understand that sometimes, the people who bug you are the ones who really care. (Well, not all.) -- Well, but of course, there are people who care for you as long as they treat you as friends. But it depends on the level, and that whether they've spoken to you lately or not. Because if it's been awhile since they've talked to you, it might be tougher for them to simply ask whats going on. -------------- Recklessness. It is something thats often mistaken as courage. You may think its nearly the same, and hard to differentiate; its not. Recklessness or rash, its the same. It is simply knowing about the odds of things, and yet you rush in without thinking of the consequences and what not. Courage. It is something more than that. It is more of, you're afraid of something; you know what's going on and you have a really huge fear of confronting it, and yet, with iron-will, you stood your ground against and confronts that situation. --- Which of the above do you think you possess? For me, I find myself more reckless and rash, rather than courageous. But who's to say? Hah. Indifferences.
After what seems like endless chat and discussion with Jac and Han about the main thing thats bothering me all these time. I realized there are certain things that are unnecessary worries that bothers me. Although the discussion took hella long and it got to the point where it reminds them of their own bad experiences, I have to thank them for sharing and trying to push me in the right direction. Its like, this certain part of me that I have lost along the way when I was all broken, uncertain and lost. Then after that conversation, I came to realize that some things doesn't matter at all, and that I shouldn't even be bothered by them; mainly the opinions, thoughts and views of others. I understand that some things, we have to do it "right" by social standards. But this matter alone, is one thing that I realize that I must follow my heart. I questioned myself over and over again, then I had a revelation that this is not something I will want to give up on. And that if I ever let this go, I will not be the same again. Finding out what really matters to me really turned me into someone that I've not been for awhile. A second before I was all depressed, tired, lack confidence and having a migraine, and after that, all those negativity just disappears. I was filled with confidence, determination and the migraine just disappears. I actually felt like nothing could bring me down (Yeah, I know, its called overconfidence). I literally felt strength coursing through my entire being and yes, my eyes. Now I finally understand what the anime always portrays eyes with flames and everything. Its the strength of their resolve. - After all these. I think I've really got over the all self-pity and depressed state. No, it doesn't mean that I've given up on anything. But I decided that I will go for it, for if I ever let this pass by me, I'll regret it. So, take a leap of faith with me and just let things go on naturally. Kay? -- Few days ago, I posted a song called "期待爱" by JJ Lin. I was looking at it with a negative light. Today, I look at the lyrics in a positive light.
Been thinking a lot lately. Been so, tired out and stressed out with so many various things that I'm not able to get on with my life. But of course, I don't think that just by blogging a lot or talking about it will make it go away. It's not something that I realized, but something that I've thought about for very long. But knowing and being able to pull it off is two completely different thing. Its also about time that I stop.. bothering people with my life. I shall stop everything and just keep it to myself. Its just too much trouble and will just bring trouble make everyone else tired. I guess this is a short step to make. Even though I think that you probably know it, but I guess this is it.
Staying over at a friend's place today. It's been like, forever since our clique has meet up. AND, two of the six, who by right can't stay over, are staying over. Its like a day of miracles. So I got around to cooking fried rice for them today. Thank good its edible and not poisonous. :o The saddest thing about this is, well, I do enjoy myself quite abit.. But, I can't really enjoy myself to the point where I am really enjoying myself. Shit, thats kinda contradicting. Guess being moody is like, really bad. -- Good friends, good company, good food, ample supply of beverages + ice wine. I really frown upon my incapability to enjoy and cherish things before me and all I'm doing is putting up a mask of smile, or donning a poker face. -- Yet, despite all these.. I think I still count what I'm going through as a blessing. For I may never know that at the end of this entire thing, what I may get out of it. Haha, I wish I'm really that positive now. -- Its incredibly irritating that I'm doing this and acting this way. But I guess its better that I don't talk to people about it. This is like, something I want to avoid. Thats all for today I guess.
Grit, and forget it. Grit and let nothing else escape that. Even if everything fails. Grit. Has it ever happened to you where you want to get to know this particular person, but you don't dare to get too personal for fear that it may not end well? Happened for me. For me, my world doesn't revolve around me. So I do know that I'm not the only one thats keeping in things. I'm aware that you, or anyone else suffers. Why? Because life isn't all happy, clouds, candies and fluffy. That, and I believe that everyone has their own story to tell. But being a person who's unable to express himself. I find it difficult to ask. Its like, wanting to know, and yet you don't know how to put it in a way that it wouldn't be intrusive. *Sighs* I find it harder and harder to control certain things. Maybe avoidance would be a better option than caution. -- That nightmare I had doesn't have the effect on me anymore. Sure, it left an impression on me, but it doesn't leave me all shaken anymore. I cursed myself for doing that. Why do I show these signs of weaknesses? Damn it. -- Despite all that looking forward to the gathering later on. Somehow, I doubt that my mind will be taken off from what I'm thinking. Didn't happen for the past week, doubt it'll work. ..*Sighs* -- Ate a slice or two of pizza earlier. In fact, its the most I've ever ate since Friday. I just very tiredly told my mum that I didn't have the appetite, washed my hands and went back to my room. She said that she noticed ever since I got back from my overseas trip that I've bad to no appetite. I said "I don't know why." In fact, maybe I don't, maybe I do. Who cares? The matter still stands, I don't have the appetite. Though now that I think about it, these few days, I've been really eating little to none. For 3 days, altogether I had were, 2 slices of pizzas, yu pian mee fen and nothing else. Hah. Odd, huh. Really tired. Really, really tired.
Just woke up from a really terrible nightmare that woke me up so badly that I didn't want to go back to sleep. It was horribly... detailed. Its gotten to the point that my feet and my hands went cold, and when I woke up, I was hugging my bolster so tightly and very shrunk to the point where my knees are very close to my chest. No, I didn't cry or anything. But it was a blood-chilling dream that send chills to my spine. I remember it to be an annoying, but innocent dream where theres this lady who was insistent to be engaged with me (shut up, I know its weird, I frown upon it too). Shes pretty, rich and everything. But she wasn't the one I want. So after very long, I agreed to it. For what reasons, I do not know. In the mean while, I had small flashbacks of a meetings and meetings regarding a serial murderer on the loose. The meeting details on his M.O, or Modus Operandi, and that the odds of him being insane is really high. So for some reason, when the flashbacks ended, I find myself back at home. A home which I never recognized, it just bore the resemblance of my old flat, and the current flat, mixed together. And the oddest thing was, I don't remember how, but I found out that my 'fiancee' (the one that I didn't love, but for some reasons agreed to be engaged to her) was being chased by the serial murderer. So I received her call and told her what to do. I ran downstairs, and after awhile saw her. Told her to follow me immediately, and I caught sight of the murderer in question. ...I shall leave out some parts here, its just too... graphical. There is no ending, the final part was I ran to my mum's room, locked and barricaded the door and called my half-asleep mum to call the police, while I rack my mind for the case-file code to tell them its of highly-urgency and its the very murderer that they are looking for. ---- I won't exactly describe the way the murderer works, but hes insane where he keeps muttering about mystical wards, and one thing in particular I CANNOT forget, is he mentioned of the Egyptian Bennu. In addition, his so psychotic that he captured the 'fiancee', tied her on bed, slept beside her, put me right beside him, made her grab my arm and began to use a miniature chainsaw and slowly cut through her arm. Blood-chilling screams, the sound of chainsaw cutting through flesh and bone. That was the most horrifying part that made it a nightmare. I saw everything in detail, and it felt like I almost can feel it and touch it. --- I'm not alright now. It was mental. But at least I'm not crying over it. I'm just, don't know. Feeling traumatic over it.
Man, I swear I've been blogging so much these days, it is very likely that I've typed out more than 5,000 words! Of course, this isn't the only blog that I'm updating. You know, sometimes I really wonder what in the world is really wrong with me. For two days, apart from a really late night supper I had (Yu Pian Mee Fen), I didn't eat a single meal today. I don't even feel like eating the tidbits that I bought some time ago. Wow. I really wonder (something that happens very often these days), is there a very direct co-relation of me feeling down to me blogging way too often. Most of the times, I prefer to ignore the buzzes in my head and get on with what I'm doing; which works pretty well. Well, these days, thats not the case. I can ignore, but it'll just keep coming back to haunt me until I've decided to pen it down somewhere, in some form or another. I doubt its the latter though; signs of boredom. Well, when I'm bored, I'll just annoy the hell out of people, or just disturb people about it, sometimes infecting them with my boredom. (That, and boredom means I'm bored to tears and theres nothing in my head but blank.) -- And signs of weaknesses, which I display a lot these days, are jumping out like theres free flow of it. Usually I'm a person who doesn't look back to the past, which I do now (unfortunately). Which brought me down to memory lane as I re-enacted the 1st night of Bintan trip in my mind, where all of us sat down at the bar, watching the night skies. I lament the fact that theres no way we can do it here. Staring into the night skies with all the stars are simply magical. If I have my way, I'd set a good clean mat onto some parts of a huge span of grassland, lay down on it, set my MP3 to play instrumentals of my favourite songs (E.g Dearly Beloved), and simply just stare at the space. Imagine, a lush span of greenery all around you (but of course, with enough insect repellent), soothing instrumentals at the background, cloudless night sky, uncountable number of stars panning across the night sky; with a few shooting stars as well, cooling breeze of wind blowing across your face gently. Perfect. Well, I'm not the best weaver of imaginations (or probably I'm just not good with expressing it properly). But you get my point. Talking about the stars, I remember vividly when I was much, much younger; probably about 6 or 7, when I still used to visit my relatives from my mum's side. I remember always taking a night stroll and lying down at the bench-like structures around the void decks and look at the moon. Of course, the sights of the night skies are nothing compared to the majestic sight in cities or places with much dimmer night lights, but it still manages to hook me with it. Maybe its got to do with me being a Sagittarius, who are centaurs, and centaurs always have to do with the imagery of watching the stars as guardians and tellers of the future. (Or maybe I just imagined or thought that up.) Well, maybe if I have more things to write about, I'll just come back here. It never seem to end these days. Sharing with people who actually visit this hell-hole of mine, "Dearly Beloved".
lethargy and solitude.
7:46 PM
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
alone.
10:30 AM
Monday, October 18, 2010
lethargy sinks in.
9:15 PM
Sunday, October 17, 2010
walls, a tug of heartstring, distractions,
4:44 PM
conflicts and reflections inside.
12:47 PM
It really hurts to just think about it.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
fit of anger and the cool down.
3:09 PM
untimely
1:48 PM
good night's rest and some thoughts.
10:40 AM
lethargy, truth, health and pretense.
12:22 AM
But I appreciate the whole committee, facilitators and campers who made it happened. It was still one wreck of a fun and I'd certainly be one tired, but happy man if I wasn't bogged down by my own situation.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
food for thought for the feverish Sagittarius
2:01 AM
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
marvels of life; the up and downs, the things that simply amaze us all.
4:28 PM
Thats especially the case when I thought that its always the brains that makes us feel. And yet, it seems like the heart itself is sentient itself. The way it reacts for us, its as if its a physical materialization of the very figment of our soul.
distractions and appetite.
3:35 PM
Monday, October 11, 2010
choices and courage.
9:46 PM
strength and resolve.
1:07 PM
gradually
1:26 AM
Sunday, October 10, 2010
day out with friends.
11:30 PM
grit, ambiguous
12:25 PM
a nightmare that woke me up and left my limbs cold.
9:57 AM
Saturday, October 9, 2010
signs of weaknesses or signs of boredom?
9:15 PM