Sometimes, I feel like I'm like a conflicted soul. There are many situations that happened where I'm caught in a dilemma. Two choices, where choosing either makes me feel screwed up in such a way that I don't know if its the right choice, or it just didn't make me feel good about it.

This topic about me being conflicted has been floating around in my mind for a few days already.

Guess its something that didn't have much development on. Probably because I still feel pretty damn conflicted by thoughts and decisions.

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Part of me wants this whole feeling to die, posthaste. Its really causing me a lot of misery. Yes, I'm controlling a majority of the wild thoughts and negativity now, I'm actually in control.

But that doesn't kill the misery or melancholy I feel these days.

Part of me wants this to continue on. I don't know why. Even though I know that I'm a person and in a position that my feelings will be completely unrequited. But somehow, it still won't change the way I look at her, nor it won't change the way I feel.

Is this some sort of self-owning mechanism or what? Its like I know damn well that this will be a fruitless thought or situation. But its like this heart of mine still won't give up on something thats completely hopeless.

This whole span of nearly 3 weeks. I've been behaving childishly. Everything I do don't fit into logic. I became weaker emotionally and mentally; I no longer seem to be able to contain myself and my problems.

I became weak in terms of body constitution and appetite. I lost weight, I have bad appetite. I almost hyperventilate when I'm exhausted, stressed and somewhere near her. (Thank god, its very rare that I have camps and I see her at the same time).

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But of course. I'm putting the blame on no one but myself. Just in case that the thought of pushing responsibilities comes into mind when there are actually people reading this. I'm completely to blame for being so weak that I can't control many things about myself.

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Conflicts. Decisions. Thoughts.

Many things really tore me inside, and apart, when I'm thinking about these things.

Of course, I'm really putting in conscious effort to help myself here.

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Ugh. Sometimes, things aren't just easy as we say it.

Sometimes I just curse myself for hoping for something deep inside. Such weakness.
It really hurts to just think about it.

Because these just won't go away.