There are so many different emotions and feelings that defines a mood. Its basically like a lock. Each combination of emotions and feelings unlocks a certain mood. And these mood leads to a certain thought, a certain craving or a certain action. And that a change of mood would take some time for these thoughts, cravings or action to appear in the train of thoughts, which explains the sudden epiphanies, actions or cravings people display.

People often call these actions, thoughts or epiphanies as something they're doing "out of the whim".

But of course, though many people have different kinds of reaction when they are experiencing certain mood (these are the things who defines them who they are), there are quite a few traits that are noticeable when someone's feeling something.

Take this for an example, if someone's feeling excited, happy, and they're looking forward to something, there will be a certain spring in their steps. It looks almost that they are jumping out of their shoes or bouncing, even in the most discreet people, theres this slight spring in their steps.

Well, of course, I'm pretty sure there exists people who don't do that. And this is merely a figment of what I feel, or something that I noticed in myself and a few people.

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Why the sudden thoughts or expression regarding this? I have no idea, maybe its because I've been really moody recently and came to a realization that between the transition of moods, I have the feeling of not wanting to do anything at all, which is a colossal waste of time.

But what can I do? Nothing suits my mood.

Even as of now, even though I'm much more emotionally sound than the past few days, the tinge of sadness never fails to creep around. I realized that the only thing I can do is pretend that theres nothing wrong with me. For the moment I display it openly, there'll be voices of concern and worries.

Which is pretty contradictory. Because I love the attention, care and concern shown, but I don't want it at the same time. I guess it depends on who's giving it, and whether it was merely a superficial gesture.

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They say, each person is unique in their own way. I agree. Which is why people will come to realize that every time they have fallen for someone, they can be very different in terms of personality. (Which is to say, if the previous crush has the same personality as the current one, there is a chance that they haven't forgot about the previous one)

But of course, there must've been a certain standards of personality that attracts the person in question. So if person A likes to be doted on, likes humor and knowledgeable people. If a certain someone displays all of these qualities, and more of course, it is likely that it'll at the very least attract person A. It may not be in the romantic sense, but at the very least, they can hit off very well.

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Abrupt ending to what I think isn't it. Thats because theres so many things that zips through my mind that I can't fully concentrate on this certain topic. A mental note to self, think about this some other time.

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Sometimes, I really don't understand myself. Well, a lot of people don't understand themselves either. But many of them didn't even bother to question or find themselves. Me, on the other hand, kept trying to find what defines me as me.

When I was younger, probably the moment I entered teenage years, I find myself weaving layers and layers of personality. I think it is likely that its something of self-defense mechanism after the series of things that I've gone through.

But after all these years, its like, I find myself reacting very differently to different people and different matters. Its gotten to the point where I feel confused; I don't even know which is really me. But of course, I'm different where by every of my reaction is genuine. Its not the kind where people are just giving superficial reaction. 

A more appropriate analogy would be, take it as I have multiple personality disorder, but I do not suffer from memory loss, and that its still very much me.

But the usual triggering of this isn't dictated by who I meet, but the situation or circumstances I'm going through. Its not like your typical scenario of 'I see person Z, who I despise and seriously hate, and thus I become cynical, mean, snide and furious'. But rather, because of this certain situation, I tend to assume this feeling.

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So, for an example, when I have very close friends who are going through very painful times, or just simply very sad and need advices, or just listening ears. I tend to become a very confident person, somewhat authoritative, keen, and somewhat considerate. 

Sometimes when I'm deep in thought or simply upset, I'll be more withdrawn, keep a distance away from people, silent and always has this emotionless look.

And when I like someone, or simply been through multitudes and variations of setbacks, I tend to lose all my confidence, felt like I'm some sort of trash that possesses no talents, simply unattractive and dumb.

When I'm very annoyed, but still able to manage my emotions, I tend to by sarcastic, cynical and arrogant.

When I'm thoughtful, I'm often philosophical and would very suddenly speak in proper English. 

There are many more examples of these certain sets of personalities and traits that I assume in different situations. And of course, these are just examples and may not very much be what I exhibit these certain personalities. (Contradictory much?)

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Which led me to this question. Which is really me? The insecure, lack of confident and weak-willed person, or the confident (sometimes overconfident actually) persona, or even the cynical and irritating persona?

*Sighs* And these are the times where I question myself. Sometimes, its really tiring, because I don't know whats wrong with me.

Guess all these thoughts really gets to me.

And yeah, I admit it. Even at this point, now, I'm still very much moody. I don't understand why (or maybe I do), but it really has to stop. Because its really making me feel hollow all inside.

(And yes, OMG. This whole blog post is 1,061 words. Excluding this)