I've finally reached home after meeting up with the people. Camp was incredibly exhausting. Especially so since I'm desperately trying to distract myself from thinking.

Day 0 was a completely retarded day. I mean, when we really need the energy for the next day, a room of sauna temperature is seriously not good. I didn't get any sleep at all.

Day 1 was good, because air-conditioning was restored.

Through this camp, there isn't much for me to talk about also. Considering that I'm merely just a game master that nobody gives a shit about, and I don't really give a shit about it either. (I didn't want to go for the camp in the first place.)

But I appreciate the whole committee, facilitators and campers who made it happened. It was still one wreck of a fun and I'd certainly be one tired, but happy man if I wasn't bogged down by my own situation.

--

Health is definitely turning for the worse. Not only laboured breathing happened this time. I had a lapses where I have difficulty breathing and that I very.. nearly fainted when I was hanging out with the family earlier. (Not biological family, people whom I deem as, or see as one.)

Slight leg injury, and bad health. Honestly, had I stay any longer at the place, I might very well faint on them. Something that I do NOT want happening. Simply because, I don't want them to be worried about something as minor like this, and it'll very much ruin their fun.

And, its not like I've been living an unhealthy lifestyle. Apart from day 0, I slept at 12.30 am on day 2, and woke up at 7.20 the next day. Very damn well healthy. Plus, I ate rather regular meals and forced myself to eat even though I had bad appetite.

Even at home, I've been forcing myself to eat, sleep at proper timings and everything.

--

I'm just glad that I wasn't making any big actions or movements, and that I was insignificant enough that people don't notice anything odd about me. Thats really a relief. I thank god for my long hair, that practically covered my face when I was trying to regulate my breathing.

--

I'm tired of trying to distract myself, I'm tired of trying to remove her from range of sight, I'm tired of trying to kill those feelings. It simply didn't work. All that camp distraction happened and it didn't do a single thing to distract me at all; I was very enthusiastic and extremely 'on' during camp, so it wasn't me not trying to help myself.

My gut feeling is that she knows what I feel for her, but simply just acting oblivious so that it doesn't get awkward. Its a guess, but it might be very true.

--

Doesn't matter at all though. 2 weeks. Countless of experimenting. I tried my best to stop myself from chatting with her. I tried to distract myself. I tried many things. It simply did not work. 

I guess when they say, when feelings like this really comes, how you try to hide from it won't help.

I know that she reads my blog. But I've been blogging so frequently these days, I may very well just end up spamming this post to the bottom. I don't think she reads THAT frequently.

--

Its pretty darn sad that whenever she makes a face, or a comment and that I'm suppose to give a response, all I could do was just to simply force a smile. For I fear that I may be too obvious with my response that she may find out.

Its hard to hide your care and concern for someone. Its something that just occurs to you subconsciously, but you just very consciously tries to hide it. Its really difficult.

Its also difficult to draw a line between boundaries. Thats especially so when I'm very much clouded by my feelings. Which is pretty much why I try to stay expressionless, unimpressed or just tried to be less responsive.

--

If one day, she ever chances upon this post. I guess I want her to know that I still see her as a very important friend that I don't want to lose her, no matter how strong my feeling for her is.

And that, I'll never confess this feeling to her. Because I know that this is simply an unrequited feeling on my part; its just simply impossible for the two of us.

--

Maybe this will go on for years. For the most minor of case that this happened lasted for a year. This one time, I guess I'm just really unlucky; for me to have such a strong feeling that all the previous ones put together still pale in comparison.

There are so many things that I really want to say. But my position just mutes me so.