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After several days, including a day of emotional break down, I've finally managed to calm down and sort my thoughts out. But of course, I don't mean that I've recovered from all these and pimping to go.
I merely managed to settle down what seems to be a storm of emotions and organized the problems and planned rational solutions for them. That alone managed to bring down the level of stress itself.
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Sometimes, I don't know what I'm really thinking. Its as if I'm a walking contradiction myself. Its like, I want this, but yet I know that I can't have it; so I don't want it. But when I don't want it, I keep thinking about the thing that I don't want.
And many things that are suffocating me that its almost difficult to breath.
The next thing I have trouble with, is expressing how I truly feel, and expressing myself when I'm talking or dealing with something how I feel personally. Sometimes, when I care for someone, yet I just do not know how to show that I cared, and I just simply sat down there and worried for that person.
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As I'm surrounded by the people I care for, I grow more and more conscious of my actions that may affect them negatively. I start to smile more, and pretending that everything is going on fine. Yet, I can only grit my teeth and frown at every single chance when no eyes upon me.
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My mind's so disoriented now, random thoughts just simply flew through here and there as I desperately try to make sense of what I'm thinking.
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I find it more and more difficult for me to stay true to my heart. Because at some point, at some time, my heart and brains are just simply pointing to two different directions. Its like between logic, and feelings, and I have to choose one of them. If I choose feelings, my conscience would nag me, and if I choose logic, my heart would hurt and ache. There just isn't a choice that makes both side happy.
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Sometimes I really ponder if people know what I'm thinking.Sometimes it just feels that way, other time it just didn't felt like that. But because of this, I have to be cautious with whatever that I'll do.
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I think thats enough for today. Today's been a very intensive blogging day it seems like. More than 2-3 posts a day certainly isn't good.