Usually the lack of updates is a sign of me having lesser things to think about. Well, thats in the past actually. Now I just kinda just stopped blogging about things I think about.

I'll still blog about it sometimes, but may very well decide to keep it to myself, depends on my mood.

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School has really been hectic. Yes, even though I'm a major slacker who don't really do his tutorial, its still hella hectic.

Health has been really tilting sides to sides lately as well. Insomnia, random appetites, sleeping-in.

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Sometimes, when you try not to think of something, or let something affect your performance or work, it just don't work out.

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Been doing quite some retail therapy as well, and insane splurging. Thank god I'm able to cut off all my financial liabilities to others, and get some games while I'm stressed out and trying to distract myself.

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Grades. Grades. Grades.

It seems that somehow, by Fate, I chanced upon a friend's video that was spread through the net like a viral video. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but without a doubt, it was a friend from O.B.

Its been years, since I've seen them all. I wonder how did I stray from that path. Its been nearly 4 years and all of them have made incredible progress with their dreams, or at least, they are still embracing music.

All of them made incredible improvements with their vocals, the good ones became better, and the better ones became really great.

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It really got me to thinking. What have I been doing these years? What made me stopped? Why have I always been giving myself excuses from trying hard?

Secondary 3, I was much more naive than ever. But at the very least, I had the strength, courage and motivation to chase after a dream.

Now? Nothing.

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Seems that as I grow older and older, I lack more and more motivation. And now I've forsaken the dreams that we all used to share. Nothing more than just to sing for the soul; our soul.

Do I stay at the same place? Or do I go back to doing what I loved?

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Been really, really tired these days. I might not be blogging as frequently as during the holidays now. 

Depression struck again when I was unguarded for less than a few minutes.

But of course, depressing posts should really keep out of the public sight. So of course I have another blog for these (Y).

At any rate, its really tiring these days. Along with the suddenly mood-swing, it'll be hellish to go on.

Exhaustion.

Its been quite a few days since I blogged eh? Guess after the school has reopened, I've been so busy that my brain stopped processing as feverishly as usual. Insomnia is hardly a problem now that I tire out after school ends.

Still, random thoughts and exploration hardly stops even during breaks. Most of the time, I eat alone, voluntarily. 

I don't know why, but somehow I've grown accustomed to eating alone. It just feels more 'right'. And of course, when you're alone, you get to think of all the random things.

Which of course, led to certain imagination and pondering of very... 'fantasy' based things. Such as where do people go when they pass away, whether if theres really "Hell"/"Hades" or "Heaven". Or if people pass away, they become a star in the sky.

I know, its very random. But probably distracting enough for me to ponder for an hour or more to explore the novelty of that idea.

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School has really been a crazy  wreck. New week and its something of an "orientation". Early releases and everything, but I'm already tired. Next week and afters might actually be crazy and packed with assignments.

But of course, being busy has been very effective with keeping certain thoughts at bay. 

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Apart from school work, I've got several games to finish, a new novel to read (actually, I'm already halfway through), and more people to talk to. I realized that it's really been a long time since I've contacted some people; its about time to catch up with them.

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Giving up isn't easy. I know I've been on this for quite awhile. But I realized it really isn't easy. No matter how busy you are, how much you try to distract yourself, it still won't work. Bury it deep down and when you unconsciously thought of that, it just pops up and stick out like a sore thumb. 

I think. This is about it. Will update soon again I guess.

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Sometimes I just wish

At least, a platform for me to see whats going on.

For it is painful 

Just to not see or talk to you

Not knowing anything going on with you

Is more than just a torture.

Life is finally picking up it's pace. I'm no longer having the the silhouette of her image in my mind anymore. I'm really putting in conscious efforts to try and forget, and move on.

But of course, things like this isn't as easy as I say. Something like this isn't even possible or achievable in the first place. Maybe I'm just putting up a brave front, or simply just decided subconsciously to bury these deep inside. 

Why do I say that? Simply because though I stopped thinking consciously and everything. Every time theres something that reminds me of that person, or the thought simply appeared out of nowhere, theres this pain inside.

Its.. really excruciating. Every time when I think of the days where we can have a good conversation without me worrying of anything, and the days we have a good conversation.

It even brings back then, the days where I truly felt like being myself and enjoyed myself.

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It sounds like I'm weak sometimes, always looking back. I know damn well that life's nothing if we only looked back and reminisce, or be too damn focused about the future. Life's about living the moment, having an aim for future, and embracing the past.

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But of course, bad dramas aren't all that is to life. I believe that, no matter how much bad drama happens, it doesn't matter.

There is so much in life to live for, so much to achieve, so many smiles to see. If I can reach out to them, I will.

Life isn't just about bad dramas. Even if given a choice where I'd be born with a golden spoon, have no problems, talented and whatsoever, I'd choose to have a balanced life, with bad dramas.

Bad things that happens to us makes us appreciate the good things that happens. Take it as counting your blessings. It is the bad things, that make the good ones stand out, the bad things that happens, makes us appreciate the good ones.

Its like, having school work and assignments all the time, but when holiday comes and we go on an overseas trip, we truly appreciate the value of worth it has.

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Everyday I wish for her happiness and safety. Because prayers are the only thing I can do. 

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Stupid of me eh. Ah well. \o